Sunday, January 31, 2010

I wish I could capture you.

"I wish I could capture you!"
That was all he used to tell me. Always. Our's was a love marriage. With our parents consent, we were what you'd call "The perfect start and End". How ironic..I now think.

Kailash was a photographer,and I was a journalist. We both were struggling,when we got married. My parents and his,trusted our relationship,we were lucky our capabilities were never doubted.
We didn't have  a car, we had a bike. We had a fridge,no air conditioners,coolers would do..One landline, cellphones yet to come.
We couldn't afford more than that. We had limitations. I suffered from Sugar and High Blood pressure,so the medical expenses every month weren't friendly.
We couldn't think about kids,we couldn't support a family yet. So we decided to wait.
And no matter how silent that wait might have been, our eyes could never fool the other about the impatient sobs that tricked and escaped us.

One night,I remember,we went out for dinner to a local restaurant.. He was playing around with random pictures of the place with his camera.
 I was fiddling with my saree and he said "Can I ever capture that?"
"What? Me stuttering with my saree?"
"Why,I don't think you're quite a Romantic,now are you baby?"
"What makes you think the photograph won't be as good? I think it'll be very romantic"
"Baby,not everyone who sees that picture loves me,you know?"
"You don't know what you talk, Shruti".
"I'd like you to indeed make me figure how a portrait of an uncomfortable wife in a beady saree would look romantic someday!"
He didn't reply. We ate dinner,and left.


About three and a half years passed,
finally, Kailash and I,both seemed to have established ourselves in our respective careers.
We bought a car,2 air conditioners and we had cellhphones.. Which weren't very cheap in the market..They were just launched and were hyped better than any other product designed,on that year.
We made it the hard way,we struggled. There were times when I used to feel frustrated,he took all my anger in silently and let out nothing but love. It irritated me that he never spoke or shouted at me,it enraged me further to not have him reciprocate to the passionate anger in me for that spur of a minute.. and to that,he fulfilled that, too. He knew I would never let out what I had hidden in me,he knew I wouldn't. He knew my anger was a conclusion to a buried dream, which wasn't allowed to speak. So, Kailash screamed back,one day.. I countered him with all my voice,he did,again,I did then.
Our fight went on  for a whole hour,or maybe more,I wouldn't know.. By the end of it,I was resigned to the floor crying "I need a child,Kailash,I need a child. I want to be a mother"
"What ever you say,baby. Whatever you say" 
that was all he said.

* * * * * *
"You're pregnant."
The doctor confirmed. Kailash and I knew ecstasy. I knew I could support a child now,I knew I could finally have a family.
Not just the two of us,not just dinner every night at 8 with the two of us in our big house, not just the remote resigned peacefully to Kailash,not just the house being spot clean anymore...but a whole family. Where our child would screw up the beddings,would shout,make noise, break things, and there would be our home with all the normalcy put together. Not just a huge house where two people use a single bedroom..It'll be our home with warmth and voices brimming in from every corner. Every wall.. 

Kailash worked till the 5th month of my pregnancy,but then he took leave. We could afford taking leaves easily,now. But,I kept nagging Kailash not to.
"Shruti,it's not like I need to do this. I want to do this. I want to take care."
A teardrop and a smile was my answer to him.

Saying that Kailash took care of me would not give those 4 months of his hardwork justice. I was all that he saw,breathed,cared about. My sudden whims would be fulfilled before I could say "Kailash". He knew what I wanted,he knew I needed him. I was the apple of his eyes. 

Those months passed in claps,and all of a sudden,my labor day came. Pain tore me in and out,I felt like a mad mind. My veins, my arms,my muscles..Everything seemed to have jaws biting me and pulling me towards unconsciousness. I wanted to give up,I felt like I was being burnt,alive. I felt like I could die, if that were an option. Kailash was running along my stretcher,I remember, but all that he said  is "You'll be fine,I'm here,right here Shruti. She's fine. She's fine". By she, he meant our going to be baby daughter. 
"The mother in me says it's a girl" Kailash used to say,hugging me. Suddenly,in all my pain,those memories flashed in. I was over whelmed. The pain agitated me.
During the delivery,the doctor told Kailash I was critical,I saw Kailash give her a disparate look,and a tear escaped the corners of his eyes when he looked at me,smiled and said "You're just fine baby".
I knew I wasn't. The mother in me,knew.
I heard a child's cry- and I saw her.  I smiled, and sighed to Kailash; "I wish you could capture me."
And I closed my eyes.

Life sometimes, hears us at the wrong times. It heard me,when  I said ; "I felt like I could die if that were an option." and it granted my wish,fouling no hassle. Today,when I look down from here at Kailash,I see him loving our daughter with all his life. He's understood that life's unfair only when we wish it ourselves.

And I laugh when I see the picture in our bedroom he put up..Yes,the very one with me struggling the saree. I laugh at myself..He proved me wrong,we both knew it. Romanticism dripped from the very frame of it. My eyes- forever on his. My heart left behind. He looks at it everyday, and smiles at me saying "Your pallu was always so beady baby..I don't blame you for the stutter".

So you guys,I'm up here. Late realization...A bit too late.
So watch out for what you say,what message the air carries from you,what the walls might here...Life might be listening. 


  1. Oh! The end was shocking!



    But that's life, isn't it?

    Shit happens.

  2. Yes,I wrote this post a week back,remember I told you?
    I couldn't publish it cause I was looking for the perfect picture,Which I finally got :D

    And hey,Ramit,thanks for the text about this post.
    Really made my day,
    Thank you,really :)

  3. Amazing. The last part made me almost shed a tear!

  4. Christ,you're the sweetest. Thank you.
    Really Ramit,you have no idea how important these encouragements are from friends like you.

  5. Wow, that was just amazing. Gripping through every line. Seriously loved it. Hmm now I want to read a whole book of waiting, from now :D

  6. Niiiiil, that was too beautiful for words!
    almost had goosebumps reading it!

    and the last part's so true ..
    who knows what life picks up from those random things u say ..
    as they say "be careful what u wish for, it might just come true"

  7. Yes we only wish bad for ourselves

  8. Fuck.
    That was sad.
    That was sbeautiful.
    Damn, so beautiful.
    Amazing girl.
    I'm so proud of u :)))))
    That was beautiful.

  9. Oh-kay once more..
    It was so disarmingly beautiful. It was beautiful because it made me feel.
    Nilanjana're better than Jhumpa Lahiri...she's a're not.
    You're a 27348593403273736151718 times better.

  10. God!!! Lady! I loved it. You. captured my interest until the end. Keepwriting!

  11. I agree with Remya, you're 27348593403273736151718 times better than Jhumpa.


    Who's Jhumpa?

  12. That was beautiful! If I hadn't already cried today in a sad movie, I would definitely have cried now. The end was sad, but I think it was sort of right too. If Kailash has the strength to look at her picture and smile everyday, he really is one off the strongest people I've heard of. Well written, but I felt sad that it was over. Keep writing!
    (BTW, EXCELLENT picture, it was really the best way to end the story)

  13. Wow. Those are quite few comments in my absence of a few hours.
    I LOVE you guys for your appreciation,I really do :)

  14. @Wicked: Awwwww. Thankyou! You surely will read my book,someday! Just not yet,I jope it's soon enough. With raders like you,heck it's possible!

    @Remya: GIRL YOU MADE MY DAY! And OMG you did NOT just say I'm better than Jhumpa Lahiri!! She's one of the best contemporary writers!
    Okay,now YOU really,REALLY made my day!
    Mwahahahah! Love you! Like,heck yea!
    You're like 758494847563993 times more awesome! :D

  15. @Duality: Thanks darling! Thanks bunches! Will do,you too!! : )

    @Twisted: Thankyou :)

  16. @oRange*: GOD!! You're comments cheer me up like CRAZYYY! Thank you! I love you!! And yes,they say right

    @Pesto: Sigh,yes :(

  17. @Ramit: Awwwwwww! You're like 7339494955859955 times awesome,too! Thankyouuuuu! <3

    @Charu: Jeezzzz,thank youuuuuu!
    God,what would i DO without friends like you guys!?
    Thank you sooo much! Im so glad you liked the post,I am!

  18. I love you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!
    To encourage me so much,and applaud when I feel shitty and help me be strong...Owe you guys!! <3

    ALL my love


    "I agree with Remya, you're 27348593403273736151718 times better than Jhumpa.


    Who's Jhumpa?"

    *bursts into another torrent of laughter*
    It's Jhumpa Lahiri..

    @Nil: shuddup..She sucks and you're better..Go die if you can't see that. :P
    Oh besides, the marriage date has been fixed XD

  20. @Nil: ha ha, you're welcome :)

  21. Wow Nil, all ur posts these days are touching and so sensitive. Really Nice one girl..

    Shruti and Kailash -- I have come across the same pair in another story(Cloud Nine Minus One) which I thoroughly enjoyed. These names have a magic in them and their chemistry is too good in urs too except that the end is sad. But chalta hai.. u can never stop it.

  22. @Remya: Mwaah babe. You totally rock! :P Haha.

    @Charu: : )

    @Banu: Heyyy! I JUST read Clouod nine minus one. Yes,I felt the same connection between the names of the charecters,and hence I names them so :) Thank you SO much for your appreciation. Really,means tons to me!
    Cheers! :)

  23. gripping, nicely worded and mature story. proud of you Ms Raconteur

  24. I absolutely LOVE it.

    Gorgeous writing :)))

  25. @Arpan Da: Eeeeee! Thankyouuu!
    Love you!

    @Queen: Thank you so much O darling Queen.
    Love you always :)

  26. until end it was ther ein mind..what next...
    quite interesting...

  27. wow....that was really have a lot of talent in this field....your words really connect with the reader....waiting for more...

  28. Amaziyng.. sucha pretty picture.. then a sad ending to it. Loved it.. Girl ur the magician urself. U mesmerized all of us. Keep up the good work :)

  29. @Tripat: Hi,welcome to my blog:) Thank you..What next? Well, I'm yet to find out! ;)

    @Oxymoron: You are indeed very kind my friend,thank you very much:)

    @The west wind: Hiii! Wow,thanks darling! :) You're one heck of a writer yourself!
    Thanks again, catch you on Gtalk!

  30. thanks for dropping by at my blog :)
    please also visit my

  31. ^Surely will :)
    Keep visiting! :)

  32. Awww. =\
    Its sad though so well written.
    I have my bio exam tomorrow, tight schedule, but i kept on reading this anyway. So that counts for something =D

  33. Hi! Welcommeee to my blog:)
    Jeez thanks man,tons nice of you!
    Keep visiting! I shall too =)

  34. Hey this was good. Really liked the part where you showed the love :)

    I hoped it had a happy ending... m a sucker for dat :D

  35. Sid! Haha,lol,thank you :)
    We're all suckers when it comes down to sad endings ;)
    Lol,it's okayyy!

    Cheers :)

  36. Check ur gmail spam.. sumthing I sent might be resting there!! Tell me if u find it..

  37. guys are emotional. guys do have tears. ur words proved it. respects.

  38. @The West Wind: Ooh,curious! On my way :) Thanks,will surely get back to you!

    @The Juggernaut: Hey,welcome to my blog :) Thank you very much for your appreciation. Keep droppin' by! :)

    @Sawan: HUGE thank yous! :) Thank you very much :)

  39. CHERR.OMGGGG> OGMHGGGGGGGGGG!! THAT murdered me. That friggin' murdered me!! God,this is ... The best you;ve written Cherry,no swear on my GUCCIs it IS! Omg,babe Idk whatever to spill! I mean, you wrote that . And the picture!!! who is it?!

    Cherr,it's the best of the lot you've written hey baby doll. I'm friggin' serious!!

    I love you.
    I have loooaaddss to tell you,omg! call you soon!

    muuuaaahhhhhh baby!
    you're such a star sugar!

  40. Oh and I'm yelling for mum,NOW.
    She's gonna flip-a-do after this hey! =D
    She is!! Ugh,save the smile for me baby! <3333333

  41. @Mrill: Womaaaaaaaaaan! WHY can't you missed call me when you decide to land up on my bloggggg?!! I WAS ONLINE 5 mins before you came!!!
    Thank you,Thank you : )
    wow. You! Woman, god, I love you too:) Dude,call me soon okay! We need to catch up. Damn your examssss!
    Anyywwaayy call me!
    Miss you. Oh and tell Ro I say Hi :)


  42. @ ~ VivA ~ BeYoNd SPaCE : Hi! Thanks for dropping by:) And heyy thank you,I'm glad you liked what I wrote :)
    I hope you visit soon!

    Cheers to all of youu!

  43. Hi Tithi,
    Romi was appreciating your blog to Kaku, so I thought I must visit. Indeed you have a neat diary here :-)
    Khub bhalo lekhechish. I'm surprised how these complex ideas were put down so simply. Even more-the fact that these ideas make you ponder.
    Keep it up!
    Give my regards to your parents.
    Mouri maashi.

  44. @Mouri Didi: Hiii! wow now That was a very pleasant surprise! Hhee,thank you for the shower of compliments ;)
    Onek dhonnobaad! :D
    How did Romi know about my blog!? :S
    Anyway,good for her! ;)
    Kotha hobey.
    Love,Tithi :)

  45. Lol,ignore that okay!
    What's up? :)

  46. At work, of course! Hmmmm, I rather like Tithi, little apple! :P

    How's Math? Still in love with it?

  47. Nooo. Please,Nil. Tithi is majorly home stuff :| So, I preffer Nil. It's more Blogger style and an identity that's been there since 2008! ;)

    Math,I have ditched for a while :P Will get back,soon.
    Why can't I get to your comments section in your blog? Something funny's up. :S

  48. Sorry! :)

    It's working, try re loading the page. I'm there now.

  49. Ohhh,good :) So I'm presuming the conversation took place at the finner :P
    So cute,you guys! :D

  50. lovely post ! like the way you have written :)the last bit was shocking though

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  53. Cherr, that was wicked .
    No really,yo. That was just wicked . Take me in literal yo,this story had a spell. And holy mary,57 comments without me already?
    Says behalf,of me yo?
    I mean,friggin' lord,your words spin me up Cherr. Always do yo.
    You're brilliant.
    It's my word,yo.

  54. @Smrithi: Hi:) Welcome to my page!!
    Thank you,hope you visit soon :)

    @Ro: Heyyyyyyyy! So you finally decide to missed call me XD
    Hey thanks, wow, your comments are always the ones that get me high on myself :P Lolol. Haha,thank Ro :)
    Really, thanks! Whatsssuuuuuupppppp!??

  55. You should get high on yourself after you write stuff like that yo. You totally should!
    Whatever,nothing yo. Just doing some History =|

  56. :)

    History?! Hey,I was on it sometime back.... where's Mrill???

  57. She's at Sequira's. Those two girls are doing everything but study. =|
    Mum's weighing collage options for Mrill,yo x)
    I was freakin' passin' out laughin' yo! You shoulda looked at her expression. I woulda webcamed it if I was anywhere near it hey!
    It was gigantic exasperation yo!

  58. WoW…You are in fact a great writer!!!
    Seriously, I’m wondering how I missed your blog all these days…
    The way the feelings were moving from love and romance to struggle and happiness, then loneliness and excitement to pain and life and finally the philosophy. There could not have been a better ending to this.
    Yes you are true. Not only the walls but also life is listening…And surely the whole world is listening too- "I wish I could capture you!”
    Now that I’m here, I don’t want to miss your posts from now.
    Keep blogging and let us keep learning :)

  59. @Rohaaaan: Don't be so mean! :P Okay,just cause you're the nerd doesn't mean you get off the hook for everything! Mrill's gonna be a star and you know it :P
    Lol,wow I haven't spoken to Seq recently... Hmmm...

    @Asif: Hello! And welcome to my blog :) Wow,those were indeed very kind words. It truly made me happy that you liked what I wrote so much,I'm glad I could put something up that pleases my readers :)
    Thank you for visiting my blog. Thank you very much :) I hope I see more of you here!
    Cheers :)

  60. Laughs,I hope she 'becomes a star' yo. Just that she needs the Graduation Letter for that you know Cherr =P
    Laughs,yeah she'll be okay I guess.
    Gee,I gotta be runnin' soon enough,yo. How long are you put up?

  61. This comment has been removed by the author.

  62. Yeaaappp,she's gonna be okay :D
    I shall be here for another 5mins...I have some Pol Science waiting for me tonight :|

  63. Laughs,
    I have World History and Lit. waiting for me yo.
    We're such geeks hey ? =P
    Yeah Cherry,I know,you're anything but a geek yo!
    I'm here for another 5,too. I guess yo... School's off for you?

  64. Lit. is gooood. World Historyyy....hmm..would LOVE to read more of it!! :D

    Yesss. I'm a nerd .PLeasee call me that,it feels good to be accused of such awesomely unlike-me words :P

    Yeah,school's off foe me.... How're your parents doing?? All well? I heard Purushottam uncle's comiinngggg!!! :DDDD

  65. Hahahah..Yeah,okay, NERDDD!! =D

    Hey yeah dad's going yo. Tried convincing him to tag me along,but hey he's the dad after all =|
    I can't do Indiana Johns if he disagree,can I yo?
    Mrill managed to have a show down on that too,hey x)

  66. HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Will Mrill ever change? No,I don't quite think soooo!! :P
    I loovee that girl!

    Aw,too bad you guys can't come,though :"((((((
    Dude,it would have been awessoommee fuunn :((((((((
    Still,try? Pplleaasee?!

  67. Laughs,yeah
    I'll try yo. For sure Cherr.
    Anyway, I gotta run now,yeah?
    I'll catch you soon enough! Phone,tomorrow, deal yo.!
    I won't forget.
    Bye Cherry,take care yo :)

  68. Aww okayy :( I should go,too. I should get studying :S I guess.
    Okay! Yessssss,tomorrow!
    Bye! :D

  69. Ohhh and tell Mrill I say HI!! :D

  70. beautiful ... i loved the concept ... even though i knew how it was gonna end.. i still ended up enjoying the end..

  71. kid, you need to write a book. Please. Do. =DDDDD
    This was amazing. No exaggeration.
    Seriously. I like the end the best.

  72. Awww Ammu! I love yoouuuuu!! :)
    <3333 I totally dooo!!!

  73. Nice read! Your thoughts bely your age!! I am following you now, sry stalking as you would like it to be :D

    anyways, do share links of your best pieces :)

  74. *Sorry for the late read*
    This one is special...Seriously had i not known u I cud easily have mistaken this fiction for sum seasoned author's brain-child.U are one talented creature,I swear!
    where did u get the picture from?It fit in so damn perfectly!
    Great Great Work!

  75. Yesssssssssssssss! YOU FINALLY READ IT :D

    Holy lord, thank you SO much! I'm super kicked that you liked it.
    You totally made my day :D

    I got the picture from Google. :P
    I know right! I saw it and I was fixed on it, cause I felt the same way. It was just "it".
    So yeaah.

    Thanks bro, thanks tonnes again!
    Cheers to you too :*


Pour out your thoughts on mine.... :)