Sunday, January 31, 2010

I wish I could capture you.

"I wish I could capture you!"
That was all he used to tell me. Always. Our's was a love marriage. With our parents consent, we were what you'd call "The perfect start and End". How ironic..I now think.

Kailash was a photographer,and I was a journalist. We both were struggling,when we got married. My parents and his,trusted our relationship,we were lucky our capabilities were never doubted.
We didn't have  a car, we had a bike. We had a fridge,no air conditioners,coolers would do..One landline, cellphones yet to come.
We couldn't afford more than that. We had limitations. I suffered from Sugar and High Blood pressure,so the medical expenses every month weren't friendly.
We couldn't think about kids,we couldn't support a family yet. So we decided to wait.
And no matter how silent that wait might have been, our eyes could never fool the other about the impatient sobs that tricked and escaped us.

One night,I remember,we went out for dinner to a local restaurant.. He was playing around with random pictures of the place with his camera.
 I was fiddling with my saree and he said "Can I ever capture that?"
"What? Me stuttering with my saree?"
"Why,I don't think you're quite a Romantic,now are you baby?"
"What makes you think the photograph won't be as good? I think it'll be very romantic"
"Baby,not everyone who sees that picture loves me,you know?"
"You don't know what you talk, Shruti".
"I'd like you to indeed make me figure how a portrait of an uncomfortable wife in a beady saree would look romantic someday!"
He didn't reply. We ate dinner,and left.


About three and a half years passed,
finally, Kailash and I,both seemed to have established ourselves in our respective careers.
We bought a car,2 air conditioners and we had cellhphones.. Which weren't very cheap in the market..They were just launched and were hyped better than any other product designed,on that year.
We made it the hard way,we struggled. There were times when I used to feel frustrated,he took all my anger in silently and let out nothing but love. It irritated me that he never spoke or shouted at me,it enraged me further to not have him reciprocate to the passionate anger in me for that spur of a minute.. and to that,he fulfilled that, too. He knew I would never let out what I had hidden in me,he knew I wouldn't. He knew my anger was a conclusion to a buried dream, which wasn't allowed to speak. So, Kailash screamed back,one day.. I countered him with all my voice,he did,again,I did then.
Our fight went on  for a whole hour,or maybe more,I wouldn't know.. By the end of it,I was resigned to the floor crying "I need a child,Kailash,I need a child. I want to be a mother"
"What ever you say,baby. Whatever you say" 
that was all he said.

* * * * * *
"You're pregnant."
The doctor confirmed. Kailash and I knew ecstasy. I knew I could support a child now,I knew I could finally have a family.
Not just the two of us,not just dinner every night at 8 with the two of us in our big house, not just the remote resigned peacefully to Kailash,not just the house being spot clean anymore...but a whole family. Where our child would screw up the beddings,would shout,make noise, break things, and there would be our home with all the normalcy put together. Not just a huge house where two people use a single bedroom..It'll be our home with warmth and voices brimming in from every corner. Every wall.. 

Kailash worked till the 5th month of my pregnancy,but then he took leave. We could afford taking leaves easily,now. But,I kept nagging Kailash not to.
"Shruti,it's not like I need to do this. I want to do this. I want to take care."
A teardrop and a smile was my answer to him.

Saying that Kailash took care of me would not give those 4 months of his hardwork justice. I was all that he saw,breathed,cared about. My sudden whims would be fulfilled before I could say "Kailash". He knew what I wanted,he knew I needed him. I was the apple of his eyes. 

Those months passed in claps,and all of a sudden,my labor day came. Pain tore me in and out,I felt like a mad mind. My veins, my arms,my muscles..Everything seemed to have jaws biting me and pulling me towards unconsciousness. I wanted to give up,I felt like I was being burnt,alive. I felt like I could die, if that were an option. Kailash was running along my stretcher,I remember, but all that he said  is "You'll be fine,I'm here,right here Shruti. She's fine. She's fine". By she, he meant our going to be baby daughter. 
"The mother in me says it's a girl" Kailash used to say,hugging me. Suddenly,in all my pain,those memories flashed in. I was over whelmed. The pain agitated me.
During the delivery,the doctor told Kailash I was critical,I saw Kailash give her a disparate look,and a tear escaped the corners of his eyes when he looked at me,smiled and said "You're just fine baby".
I knew I wasn't. The mother in me,knew.
I heard a child's cry- and I saw her.  I smiled, and sighed to Kailash; "I wish you could capture me."
And I closed my eyes.

Life sometimes, hears us at the wrong times. It heard me,when  I said ; "I felt like I could die if that were an option." and it granted my wish,fouling no hassle. Today,when I look down from here at Kailash,I see him loving our daughter with all his life. He's understood that life's unfair only when we wish it ourselves.

And I laugh when I see the picture in our bedroom he put up..Yes,the very one with me struggling the saree. I laugh at myself..He proved me wrong,we both knew it. Romanticism dripped from the very frame of it. My eyes- forever on his. My heart left behind. He looks at it everyday, and smiles at me saying "Your pallu was always so beady baby..I don't blame you for the stutter".

So you guys,I'm up here. Late realization...A bit too late.
So watch out for what you say,what message the air carries from you,what the walls might here...Life might be listening. 

Monday, January 25, 2010

You- The only competitor.

You-The only competitor. 

I am not a madman poet,
who shall compare thee with the sea.
I am not a lost lover,
who shall fare thee well with tears.
I am not an angry ghost,
who shall shout as thunder,disguised.
I am not a reigning soldier,
who shall protect thy heart in an armor of metal.

I am human, and nothing else,
I can love you,
only to my heart's capacity. 
To tell you otherwise like others,
is nothing but a lie.

I shall not compare you,
to the morning dews that smile.
I shall not compare you,
to the red flames that dance.
I shall not compare you,
to the smell of the wet Earth.
I shall not compare you,
to the mist that makes the dawn worth. 

I shall compare you,
only to yourself.. 
to your words, to your songs,
to your thoughts, to your mind,
to your heart, to your love,
to You-The only competitor.

-- Nilanjana. 

Friday, January 22, 2010

A modern day Goodbye.

As you pack your bag,last moment in the other room..Slowly nostalgia smiles at me and mocks "Caught ya!".
As for concerned..Till about an hour back, it never surfaced on the sea of my heart that you're leaving for a good while,and expecting you back--Home--in 6 months is a mere pretense of a silly 15 year old.
So,now I hear your mom screaming about the shaving kit,the nail cutter and the money in the XYZ ruck sack.. Didi going hassled with your departure and list of goods, my brother vigorously trying to load songs and movies in the hard drive for you,and I like an escapist sit quietly in this room, alone, trying to hide the panic that screams within.
 It's not a panic about if you'll be okay,it's just a panic that asks me-- Will he miss our bike rides? Will he miss me screaming random shit? Will he be back soon,and spend a good deal of hours with me? Will he realize how crazy I miss him? Will he miss me ?

I resign to those questions, the pessimist in me has finally got a chance to creep out of the leaking crevices of doubts. And my brain is double playing a role in the same drama. Deceiver.
My heart is just sad, not a complex adjective is required,no--cause that's what it is--it's sad.

But then again, your sister in me, kicks the butt of that pessimist and rests with the middle finger.
YES. He'll be the same. You'll still be important to him,just like you are today. He'll still remember the trips to 24/7 and the Snikers, and the biking,and the guy help, and the....friendship that we shared.
He will.

And as for him giving me a good few hours to catch up when he's here.... I'll kick his ass and make him kick start the bike.
The irritating sister,that I am.
Things will be just the same,

There,I hear you slowly leaving,

I'll miss you :)

Monday, January 18, 2010

And I let it out.

So,I let it out. I knew it was enough,and now,keeping the seeds of scream inside my heart would have resulted in nothing but silence, prevailing forever.
I'm not a wimp, I'm quiet,vocal only when situations demand. Or,simply when I want to talk.

So we spoke. This time, actually,I spoke. And he listened. I spoke from the beginning to the end, I spoke from the trivial to the hugest,and he just listened and didn't wait for me to end. 
But I did,eventually. And we concluded. No,not everything, we've never been the sorts. But we did conclude the barrier that stood, the hesitated words that always provoked to get out, and the "fuck it,I need to tell him this!"'s. 
I let it out. For good.

After a long time of me voicing the most complicated feelings to the simplest, I stopped. I breathed a sigh of relief, To his question- yes, it felt good.
It did. 

Abruptly..Or I'd say gradually actually, we went back to fooling around. Random talks, gross topics, "I love her" talks,and the normal abnormalcy of our thoughts.

So,we were back.
Not that we weren't before. Just a little more..Us. Just a little more, nothing new.

And we carried on, with our roaring ideas, and typing them one by one on the chat screen.


DISCLAIMER: No, for all of you who think I speak of my lover,you're wrong.
Fiction,is the post.


Friday, January 15, 2010

My very first Blogger Award!

This honor has been given to me by our darling Blogger, RAMIT :

Okay,so I'm s'posed to pass this on to just ONE person,
but hey, let's face it--- NOT HAPPENING!! Cause just as Ramit said..... Rules are meant to be borken, and this award is deserved by ALL of you out there!
But... Since I need to cut down on the list,
I'm going to pass this on to those Bloggers who have been the most active on my blog from the past 1 month, so fair enough,right?! Here goes :: 


Iced Eskimo
Ro & Mrill [yeah no Blogs! but well deserved]
West Wind
Charu [No blog,again but deserved!]

God,I soo want to give this award to everyboddyyyyy!!!!!! All of you deserve it~ ! I swear.
Thanks for making Blogger like a second home to me :P

I love you guys!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Winer Rains & My retarded friends : )

I was kissed Good Morning by the sound of rain pouring outside, it was chilly cold and I was nicely tucked in my bed. Wow,what a beautiful start to the day. They say it right when they say that the beginning of the morning  concludes the day :) Well,sometimes, it's true anyway!
So while I was trying to mush over the beautiful day and all the plans about how I might spend it [Yes,even during Pre boards I make plans :) ] my phone beeped and said "Too many messages waiting. Delete few".
Yes, the gadgets never leave us,no matter how engulfed we might be in nature.
So,I've seen.

So,then I got ready and went to school with a Super happy-go-lucky mood. Greeted my friends with the usual. [Why 'Greeted' ain't quite the word,no!] anyway, so I saw everybody around me frantically reading notes, I flipped a bit, why on the English Exam man?! Remya, was the only one who seemed calm and normal, revising through some books. Thanks :|

So anyway, English Exam happened. I loved it,totally. FINALLY they gave a poem worth Section A.
The ole well known peom by Shakespeare "Shall I compare thee to a summer day?" 
Pretty common of a sonnet, but never the less much better of a poem to challenge the creativity of students.
So anyway,after that, we were just being random. Roaming around the school field, Shreyansha crying,Megha nagging,Monica laughing,Remya and I fooling around and Kartavya being the tamed lad that he is :P
So all in all presenting you our chota mota Freakshow group =]
The freakshow group I love so much,It would totally be incomplete without ANY of you!
So..After random steps,I caught up with Joy,and got home.. Got online, was there for a while.
I consider today a good day cause there was this 'spill' which finally fixed things between this friend and me ; )
So yeah. Then ROB came online :P We had a usual chat,sigh that boy won't change :) So,I'm on a mission for him yo! He was kidding about it,however I --the inevitable have taken it up seriously. Heye Buddy, time for you to hide :P I'm on the mission,and I freakin' mean it >:D
Anyway,so after logging off,I did the other chores,work,text books,etc.

After that...I had a nice evening,yes a very nice one : ) It's proved, I LOVE Satyajit Ray! His movies are just, too brilliant. Simply. And the funny part is, these random movies you watch with your dear ones,they leave a hug on your heart, a memory to last, a feeling to cheerish,and a thought that gets you smiling out of the blue.
I feel lucky today,I do.
And I'm just going to be so, today,oh yes,and feel good about things. Cause you know, even though it's an obvious fact, but time and again the tides of time keep reminding me, that at the end, things get okay. No,really, the cliched "It'll be okay with time"- -it works. It heals things. Time can be a best friend, I realized that.

Right now,I'm on Sulagana's blog. Yes,I LOVE the first song in her play list. So everytime I write a blog post,I open her blog a tab and listen to the music : )
I'm so weird. Jaani,Jaani :P

After this,I plan to study,and then,maybe read a novel..And thennn..Sleep : )
You see,nobody's celebrating Lohri in my colony :'( Sad,I know, so anyhow you guys,Happy Lohri!!

I've been doing quite a bit of writing lately,and TONS of scribbling. :I shall put'em up soon  : )
Noww,I'm on Remya's blog listening to 'Fireflies' by Owl City. LISTEN to it,you guys!
It's one of my favourites on my play list :)

There,that's all I have for today. I shall update soon!!

yes,my retarded school life with absolutely retarded friends. I freaking love you guys!

Clear skies y'fellas!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

My faith on you.

I've realized my faith on you. I've realized my trust,my love and my hopes on you. I have surrendered my fears,I've embraced your promise,I've let out my heart and felt you soak in every thing,every word.
Yes,I've realized my faith on you.

I've never preached you,I have never been submissive,I have never let it be a single sided decision,I have never let the difference of our thoughts war.
I have always loved you,with the very intensity,with the very feelings,with the very sincerity and that shall remain till the day I surrender my heart beat to Heaven.

I can feel your pain even at the slightest wince,I have felt your pain in the brave smiles,I have felt your anguish when you've seen me stepping into something wrong,I have heard your tears when you tried to wipe mine.
I have kissed your love when you tried to hide it, I have seen your love when you shout at me,I have seen your care when you let me alone,I have felt your love shield me from every wrong,Yes,I have.

I'll not lie today,I'll accept the very to you-- My faith on you has never been more sure and ardent on you before,it has always been shy it has always been scared..But today,My Faith on you is the strongest,is the unbreakable,is the unthinkable,and is at it's epitome.
My faith on you.


A post to every person I love, but just a little more dedicated to someone today..

I love you all,Very much.

Friday, January 8, 2010

An Absolutely unproductive post :D

So hello, ladies and gentlemen :D
Like my good for nothing scribbling above? ^^ :D
Updating after a week almost....So sorry about that, it's NOT easy for a kid to deal with Preboards and then Boards for the first time,okay?
So. What's up with all of you? I've been upto nothing much lately, just apart from textbooks :|
I Just came back from school. It was my first pre board today. *Tada Music*
*Victorious looks* 
So, it was SST,and quite a Bomb exam. I have No,absolutely No idea to why was I all weird yesterday. But,anyhow.

I've started writing a new piece of fiction :) It's on a scandal and everything. Only through with the introduction yet,sadly didn't have the time to proceed. [*Gives evil eyes to the History book*]
But,I shall continue it today. And put it up very soon for you guys to spill on what you think of it :)

Right now..I'm doing nothing productive. Actually,i am. I'm listening to Celtic violins..Duelling!
You can hear it here . [Ramit and Queen,owe you for the Hyperlink. HAHA :P] ... So this thing i was listening to, It's pretty cool,and peppy :) i like how it gets all jumpy from the quarter. I hope you guys like it!

I plan to.....Idk, go eat lunch. Then,just do nothing. And then do nothing again :D
Sounds good to me!
And yeah,whatever,If wish permits,I'll probably check out the Math binder for some time..
[*The math book gets a pitiful look*]
These books,I tell you. They should be replaced by novels,and good authors. They should.
Aryabhatta and everything should be....err..Ignored for a while,you know?
So,yeah,I'm writing gibberish, I know. But that's okay right. Frustration leaked from the very crevices of my body till yesterday! I'm doing a good job venting it out! Haina? :S

So okay,cutting out the conversation which is leading to nowhere, You guys update Me with what's up?

And a special msg to Fai who'll be leaving Blogger soon, prolly today : My dear,you've seriously introduced a completely new way of writing. I love your blog,and heck will miss it like crazy once it's deleted. I so wish we'd started following each other much earlier,but anyhow.
I wish you all the best,and sure do hope somday you wake up in the morning and decide to get on Blogger again.
Take care :)

Lots of love,

Saturday, January 2, 2010


In retrospect to last year, I feel strange cause i don't quite remember anything clearly. It seems to me like a year where I was very absent minded,vague memories, voices pretty distant. It reminds me of a movie going on while I just try to remember what happened last..
I know there were moments which have marked milestones in my life..Moments when I could swear I'd never forget-- moments of ultimate euphoria. There have been new friendships which have strengthened themselves with silly jokes,funny lines,sarcasm,love,fights. I know these friendships will be remembered through out.. A lifetime.
There have been sadness engulfed with incompetency screaming and tearing my mind.
But also,there have been times and again, when I've realized I stand as someone distinct with eyes that meet yours. Who is confident,standing upright,positive about herself and what she holds.

I have seen the real people under their masks this last year,today- I can count my closest friends on my fingers- I couldn't be more proud about the fact. I know who stand by me, I know who will.
2009 has made me witness affection from people I least expected to. I have confided in people,who don't even know my address. I have encountered times where my loyalty and honesty were to be proven by myself,and I have the remembrance of my worst days and hours.
I have memories of smiles-that cheered me up, of silly dances during classes which would crack me up laughing,of taking cases of the loser-group along with a close friend [;)]... I have so many memories--now that I think of it..

I didn't dream much this year, when I slept-I slept dreamless hours of sleep. At times,reality was so appalling that my escape became ignorance. But...also that truth; the reality that surfaced gradually,was bravely accepted by me and can be proud that within time I welcomed them as they are; without efforts of forging them or anything.
I'm proud of myself for that.

I have written so many parts of my life in fictious short stories and poems this year that people have appreciated and applauded for the courage of boldness and transparency in them. Thank you all of you for that. I wouldn't have published/shared them ever if I wasn't encouraged by people like you.

In the end,no matter how blurr my memories of '09 might have seemed,I know I've lost and won many battles..And all of then have kissed me Goodbye to push me towards a brighter daylight to realize myself a bit more,and more, and to truly exist in my full capacity for the many more years to come.


Here are short msgs for all of you Blogger Buddies!

Remya: Babe,thanks for being there when it was really needed :) There were things I couldn't have done without you... Thanks for standing right there,always. All my love.

Rohaan & Mrill: I effing love you guys. Seriously, you guys make my day complete after the crazy conversations!

Charu: Dear,thank you for appreciating and acknowledging my work so much. It's been lovely to be friends with you :)

Sequira: I miss you (: Happy new year!

Ramit: Oh my god,you make me want to blog =D Hugs!

Dipti: I love your blog:) Keep blogging!!

Ric: Dude,it's been awesome knowing you. It has!
oRange*: I love you, oh and your bloggggggg! =) keep writing sweets!

Sulagana: Babe,you're too awesome. Keep runnin'! Huggss!

QM: Update! Your blog is awesome(:

UjSen: Thank youuuuu for Reading my blog and mailing me feedbacks about my stuff when i really need it!

Fai: You've inspired a new way of writing. Good going :)

Pranav: Happy new year you! Kaha hai?!

Twisted elegance: Miss you on blogger! C'mon,say cheese to being regular this year! ;)

Rahul: I sure do pray for your new life [;)] to be magical and beautiful.

Mallika: Yo! Love you! :*

Yemiledu: keep writing dear :)

Diu: Where are youuu? :O

Neha: Come on Blogger!

Vegabond: Hey! Thanks for following my blog :)

Vijay: Kaha ho sir? :)

Manjari,Sid,Liza Rego,Celestial devil,Ashley Brown: Thanks for followin' my blog, you guys:)

Yes, I think that covers it all :P

A happy new year to all of you,
and may god bless :)

Love you all.

Nil (: