Yeah loser, it's your birthday!

Since two years, I've crossed all limits of being the epitome of crazy retardness with a partner in crime. She used to be The new girl  back in 9th grade, when she joined our section for the first time. Then we became seat partners [as kindergartenish as that sounds] then slowly aquaintances, friends, to closest of buddies.

I never thought we could belong to the same world. There was something in both of us, that was so different and poles apart. To gel those two different equations was to over rule one of them. Both of us were strongly opinionated, so there was no question of being submissive. Her take on things were quite different to what I might have done, my out-going, 24/7 laughing-self was something that was way different to her- sober in her own world.
But I guess that's where fate's mythical existence pokes its way in, and twists and turns everything you and I might have figured as a future. With time, we started bonding. With time, I started realizing that she's not even half the person I thought she was, and vice versa. With time, I realized that her friends weren't that different to what I relate to as "friends". And slowly, they were my pals,too.

Everything takes time. Our friendship did,too. I figured our tastes matched a lot, I realized that she can be crazier than me and even more wild! I experienced the fun of have THE MOST pointless and cracking up-ly funny conversations on the back of notebooks during History class. I cherished laughing out loud with her at the lamest of jokes some porn-addict in our class cracked. I felt the excitement of looking forward to school,to meet friends, and enjoy those 6 hours that were apparently called schooling hours. 
We figured, we were so similar   brain twins. 

And I must admit, as freaky as that can get, it can be good fun,too.  We've had our share of issues, and I'm hell sure they're tonnes more to come :P But hey, we stick our way through it, right? That's how it gets better and better with every fight ;)

So here's to you, Remya Raj. It's been a joy ride, these two years. You've helped me discover and over come a lot. You've helped me find a trust in people. You've helped me figure, that it's not always about how screwed up things are, but how we un-screw it.
I'm glad WE happened :)

Happy Birthday, babe. 

Here's a toast, for my closest pal.

God bless you.

:)

 
-Much much love,
your only retarded friend,
Bongo.

28th June, 2010.

Shillong :)

So after a whole year's planning and phone chats, and emailing, finally, my trip to Shillong happened.
It was supposed to be a runaway from the Delhi citylights ,the honking, the PHONE and people.. And it did, in it's true sense.
I still remember the first day, my sister and I met at the airport and i went ;
"Dude..my phone, it isn't catching the signals here, sucky network in the airport'eh?"
"Err.. babe pre paid Vodafone doesn't work here in North East"
:|
:|
:|
"WHATTTTT!!!!!!"

So after quite a drama queen like scene at the airport itself I settled back, sanely. [Liar,much!] We had a long trip from Guwahati to Shillong, nicely caught up on sleep, chatted, looked around Shillong..and then got home :)
The next day my sister and I were on for a movie marathon, so we pretty much were glued to the screen for about 14 hours, YES 14 FREAKING GALLOPING HOURS!
Everyday in the morning, the only thought that came to our head was "So how do we waste our time today?!" :D ... We were busy doing nothing at all, all we did was shop like crazy, movies, walking, smiling at the whole bunch of greenery around us and have fun.. :)

Shillong felt so much like home.. My sister, Raima and I spoke till late nights, we caught up on everything that had been up in our lives... it rained every two hours [!!!!] and well.. what can I say? ... It was bliss.

I visited family, and another sister of mine, Stuti.. We guys went for movies, shopped, and were busy being random about everything =D
Soon, that visit came to an end..

With not even a shout of drum rolls, 11 days flew by and then came the last day.
The day went by pretty normaly, but there was one thing that made me stop and think and look again.
It was 4am in the morning, and I was standing on the balcony and what I see is a range of black mountains running covered with the silvery of clouds in it's silhouettes. The wind blew ferociously, and I pretty much froze where I was and looked in awe.

It's true that Shillong changed me.
I realized, These 11 days weren't just about shopping and movies. These 11 days gave me a much awaited space, and a disconnection from people that I needed. I got time to sit idle. I got time to just think about a yellow ladybird I saw sitting on a wall. I got time to think about stuff I had left back in Delhi.
I got time to waste time.
I got time. A lot of it. 

Now I'm back, back in the heat. Back in the honks, the busy roads, and the star less sky at night.
But I still remember the little trivialities about life in a small town, and I can't help but smile, cause I got what I needed.
I got my break, and now I'm ready to kick some ass!! ;)

So you guys take care, and go get your break!;)

Some random pictures for you to have a look at- :)

Random Shillong.

Raima and Me :) 

Much love.

-Nil.

Time. And it's rendevous.

Now playing- Layla, Eric Clapton.

After listening to this song, again after about a year, I figured how much I missed it. And I found a completely different newfound energy rushing its way through me, that ditto feeling I had when I heard it a year back. Some things never change :)
It's almost like I can see the person I used to be a year back when I hear this song, I wasn't anything drastically different, but I can see there were things missing then, which are nicely and accurately placed into my canvas of life, today.

The song made me happy. It made me celebrate. It made me sing. It made me find a friend. What more can I say? :)

Time travels pretty much at the speed of light..We travel faster, hence we never quite realize its speed :) When I saw this old oldddd album in a friend's Facebook profile today, I almost laughed at those good times, they truly were good good times!  I was euphoric when I realized that over time, I met people, I changed, the world around me changed, and yet at those moments when fate twists it, we sit in a rendevouz with it, we can clearly see what we left behind, yet- they complete our existance,and were somehow never actually left behind.

So many people were strangers, two years back- Now, they're friends - maybe closer :)
So many were trusted friends, two years back- Now, they're strangers- maybe worse.
So many places were unknown and foreign, back then- Now, they're almost home :)
So many places were home back then- Now, they're foreign.

Today seems to be a rendevouz. And I'm having a good time remembering those times and moments, when life seemed oh so perfect -that make life truly imperfect,today- And I'm happy :)

For old time's sake,
a rememberence,a picture- of a time that still is one of the bests of my lfe ;)

- Much much love and memories,
Nilanjana.
:)

To let go?

The school gate closed behind me.
It was the last day,I'd ever wear a uniform and have the green gate to welcome me. Remya stood in front,anxious and prepared for a sudden breakdown. Alijah was consciously kidding around, trying to ease the tension of warring thoughts in everybody. Kartavya,trying his best, to look away and smile every time a tear threatened to escape.
I stood there,looking at the abnormal chatter, the curse-less jokes, the nervous laughs from Charu and Shreyansha, the forced laughs and pats, as a fresh layer of tears blinded my horizon.
I blinked it away, turned back and stared at the gate. The Guard gave me a smile, he liked me as a kid.
My report card,bent in the pressure of my fingers, and the tiny form in it- My immigration form. 

Those flashbacks of Remya and I dreaming of Hollywood and Beverly Hills, and of anywhere abroad... Kids that we were... those countless number of times when we wished a life away from the roofs of India, and those careless jokes about going away.
All the words and conversations started buzzing in my ear, my eyes couldn't focus and my body-a vegetable.
Monica caught me just as I was about to slip, I shock back to the world around me; "I'm fine." 
I said,as my friends rushed towards me.

My parents were waiting in the other side of the road in  the car. My bags packed. Our bags packed.

"You gonna be fine babe?" Remya asked, fear reflected her glassy eyes.
"Yeap."


Was this really happening? Was I leaving for good? After 15 years of these guys, do I leave all this behind, and embrace a new place,a new nationality? What am I without these people? What am I without the laughter,the jokes,the love,the empathy,the honesty and being of these people?
Was this worth it?

My father honked.
Kartavya started crying. Right in front of me; "You don't know what you're doing man. You don't"
I didn't. And I said that to him.


I looked at these friends,one last time. I tried to see through,and feel the love and warmth that each one of them emitted for me. But I knew I wasn't strong enough to cater the needs of my heart by a memory of the eyes of each.
I knew,I wasn't strong enough to let these guys know,that I'd miss them and cry bitterly for them. I wasn't strong enough to let these guys know,that I was leaving for good, and this was the last time we were standing together- ever. Life would do us apart the minute I sat on the plane.
Cause I knew,that I wasn't strong enough to start a new beginning with memories from the past that'd tear my heart  in and out to go back to those moments,and freeze in them forever.

I sat in the car,
and looked back with endless cold tears on my face,looking at these bunch of people who bid me goodbye. Who loved me,even though I had decided to be blind,deaf and dumb to that love from now on.

When I landed on the Berlin airport,
I smsd Remya ; "There's no way,I'm letting go off you guys. See you next summer,babe."


----------------------------
When people give you love unconditionally and never ask for you to return it, your heart rests in peace only after that love is returned and held on to,for the rest of your life.
Letting go,isn't that easy. And at times,no matter how ardent the thought is, you figure that the weakness in you becomes the strength to hold on, forever, and ever in life....

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~********************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**************

DISCLAIMER: I am very well here,very much in India. This post is purely fictitious. Real names of my friends just helped me feel myself in those imaginary shoes :)

A blissful celebration :)

Hi.

I'm sorry haven't updated in a while,but it's been busy. So, today I got my admit card for the Boards.. I might sound absolutely crazy when I say this,but to a normal student this day should be a doom day? If not more. Cause getting the Admit Card gives you the green signal to enter an alien school,sit in an unfamiliar, uncomfortable bench and write an exam that is one of the most valued-through out your life.

But somehow,my neurons didn't seem to register that. They royally ignored the fact that this coming exam would be like crossing a mile stone in my life, or that there are people out there waiting for me to do well..None of that. Instead,I felt happy.

[This is the part where you trigger the gun]

My class teacher--the very one I hate- made me sign the documents and gave me my admit card along with the Apeejay Badge. She stuffed in curd and a sweet into my mouth and recited the same dialogue that she recited to all the other 47 kids- "Do well haa beta? You'll do very well!" and then she added a "Keep up with the writing,haa,Nilanjana!" to me. 

I knew she was waiting to get into her car,get home and take a nice hot bath. And that she didn't care a damn to what I wrote,and yet, I smiled. I liked what she said. 

[This is the part where you shoot me.]

So after that,I went to the staff room,to get some Astronomy stuff from a teacher who apparently went maniacal looking for me through out [In my friend,Suvriti's lingo]. And when I went, there were teachers who called me and wished me luck, and 2 of the Bengali teachers looked like they'd kiss me if they could to wish me luck. Remya's mom was a sweetheart,to me. Even the man-looking lady teacher [New lady,I have no clue who she is] wished me luck with a hearty smile and a half hug.

And Thennnn,came one of the people who I actually bother school for- Suman Anand ma'am. 

If you're new to my blog,let me tell you that she is the teacher who discovered my writing in lesson answers and spelling punishments. You can read her contributions in my life by reading  this and then this  .

Few weeks back I had given her a poem to read.. So today,she starts with; "You know Nilanjana...At times I wonder,how some people can just reflect so much about their thoughts and the depth of the world at such a tender age..." and then another kind teacher,Mrs.Amita Jaisingh  said "She really does have a powerful flair of writing you know!" and then the two teachers started appreciating my poem with me melting in blushes. But you know guys,no matter how funny and embarrassing these things might be,today once again I've realized that I truly am blessed to have known such teachers in my life,who're silent most of the times,but speak up when you need encouragement the most. Suman Anand ma'am hugged me,and said; "no matter what you do,where you go,or where I am,I need you to keep in touch with me and keep writing...Keep writing because you're gifted and I might not be here next year,but keep in touch to let me read your writing!"

I feel blessed yous. I truly,truly feel blessed. 

Today,I celebrate my bliss and my gratitude to all those teachers and yes,my school which has helped me acquire heights that I could only dream off. These teachers have made me dream,realize,and execute.

Here's to you, Suman ma'am.

:)

With the pencil,you have not only taught me a subject...You've taught me love,compassion,music,art,the world,and myslef. Love to you,ma'am.

All my love

-The girl who had a terrible handwriting and made spelling mistakes :P

I wish I could capture you.

"I wish I could capture you!"

That was all he used to tell me. Always. Our's was a love marriage. With our parents consent, we were what you'd call "The perfect start and End". How ironic..I now think.

Kailash was a photographer,and I was a journalist. We both were struggling,when we got married. My parents and his,trusted our relationship,we were lucky our capabilities were never doubted.

We didn't have  a car, we had a bike. We had a fridge,no air conditioners,coolers would do..One landline, cellphones yet to come.

We couldn't afford more than that. We had limitations. I suffered from Sugar and High Blood pressure,so the medical expenses every month weren't friendly.

We couldn't think about kids,we couldn't support a family yet. So we decided to wait.
And no matter how silent that wait might have been, our eyes could never fool the other about the impatient sobs that tricked and escaped us.

One night,I remember,we went out for dinner to a local restaurant.. He was playing around with random pictures of the place with his camera.

 I was fiddling with my saree and he said "Can I ever capture that?"

"What? Me stuttering with my saree?"

"Yes"

"Why,I don't think you're quite a Romantic,now are you baby?"

"What makes you think the photograph won't be as good? I think it'll be very romantic"

"Baby,not everyone who sees that picture loves me,you know?"

"You don't know what you talk, Shruti".

"I'd like you to indeed make me figure how a portrait of an uncomfortable wife in a beady saree would look romantic someday!"

He didn't reply. We ate dinner,and left.

~**~**~**~**~

About three and a half years passed,

finally, Kailash and I,both seemed to have established ourselves in our respective careers.

We bought a car,2 air conditioners and we had cellhphones.. Which weren't very cheap in the market..They were just launched and were hyped better than any other product designed,on that year.

We made it the hard way,we struggled. There were times when I used to feel frustrated,he took all my anger in silently and let out nothing but love. It irritated me that he never spoke or shouted at me,it enraged me further to not have him reciprocate to the passionate anger in me for that spur of a minute.. and to that,he fulfilled that, too. He knew I would never let out what I had hidden in me,he knew I wouldn't. He knew my anger was a conclusion to a buried dream, which wasn't allowed to speak. So, Kailash screamed back,one day.. I countered him with all my voice,he did,again,I did then.

Our fight went on  for a whole hour,or maybe more,I wouldn't know.. By the end of it,I was resigned to the floor crying "I need a child,Kailash,I need a child. I want to be a mother"

"What ever you say,baby. Whatever you say" 

that was all he said.

* * * * * *

"You're pregnant."

The doctor confirmed. Kailash and I knew ecstasy. I knew I could support a child now,I knew I could finally have a family.

Not just the two of us,not just dinner every night at 8 with the two of us in our big house, not just the remote resigned peacefully to Kailash,not just the house being spot clean anymore...but a whole family. Where our child would screw up the beddings,would shout,make noise, break things, and there would be our home with all the normalcy put together. Not just a huge house where two people use a single bedroom..It'll be our home with warmth and voices brimming in from every corner. Every wall.. 

Kailash worked till the 5th month of my pregnancy,but then he took leave. We could afford taking leaves easily,now. But,I kept nagging Kailash not to.

"Shruti,it's not like I need to do this. I want to do this. I want to take care."

A teardrop and a smile was my answer to him.

Saying that Kailash took care of me would not give those 4 months of his hardwork justice. I was all that he saw,breathed,cared about. My sudden whims would be fulfilled before I could say "Kailash". He knew what I wanted,he knew I needed him. I was the apple of his eyes. 

Those months passed in claps,and all of a sudden,my labor day came. Pain tore me in and out,I felt like a mad mind. My veins, my arms,my muscles..Everything seemed to have jaws biting me and pulling me towards unconsciousness. I wanted to give up,I felt like I was being burnt,alive. I felt like I could die, if that were an option. Kailash was running along my stretcher,I remember, but all that he said  is "You'll be fine,I'm here,right here Shruti. She's fine. She's fine". By she, he meant our going to be baby daughter. 

"The mother in me says it's a girl" Kailash used to say,hugging me. Suddenly,in all my pain,those memories flashed in. I was over whelmed. The pain agitated me.

During the delivery,the doctor told Kailash I was critical,I saw Kailash give her a disparate look,and a tear escaped the corners of his eyes when he looked at me,smiled and said "You're just fine baby".

I knew I wasn't. The mother in me,knew.

I heard a child's cry- and I saw her.  I smiled, and sighed to Kailash; "I wish you could capture me."

And I closed my eyes.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Life sometimes, hears us at the wrong times. It heard me,when  I said ; "I felt like I could die if that were an option." and it granted my wish,fouling no hassle. Today,when I look down from here at Kailash,I see him loving our daughter with all his life. He's understood that life's unfair only when we wish it ourselves.

And I laugh when I see the picture in our bedroom he put up..Yes,the very one with me struggling the saree. I laugh at myself..He proved me wrong,we both knew it. Romanticism dripped from the very frame of it. My eyes- forever on his. My heart left behind. He looks at it everyday, and smiles at me saying "Your pallu was always so beady baby..I don't blame you for the stutter".

So you guys,I'm up here. Late realization...A bit too late.

So watch out for what you say,what message the air carries from you,what the walls might here...Life might be listening.