The school gate closed behind me.
It was the last day,I'd ever wear a uniform and have the green gate to welcome me. Remya stood in front,anxious and prepared for a sudden breakdown. Alijah was consciously kidding around, trying to ease the tension of warring thoughts in everybody. Kartavya,trying his best, to look away and smile every time a tear threatened to escape.
I stood there,looking at the abnormal chatter, the curse-less jokes, the nervous laughs from Charu and Shreyansha, the forced laughs and pats, as a fresh layer of tears blinded my horizon.
I blinked it away, turned back and stared at the gate. The Guard gave me a smile, he liked me as a kid.
My report card,bent in the pressure of my fingers, and the tiny form in it- My immigration form.
Those flashbacks of Remya and I dreaming of Hollywood and Beverly Hills, and of anywhere abroad... Kids that we were... those countless number of times when we wished a life away from the roofs of India, and those careless jokes about going away.
All the words and conversations started buzzing in my ear, my eyes couldn't focus and my body-a vegetable.
Monica caught me just as I was about to slip, I shock back to the world around me; "I'm fine."
I said,as my friends rushed towards me.
My parents were waiting in the other side of the road in the car. My bags packed. Our bags packed.
"You gonna be fine babe?" Remya asked, fear reflected her glassy eyes.
Was this really happening? Was I leaving for good? After 15 years of these guys, do I leave all this behind, and embrace a new place,a new nationality? What am I without these people? What am I without the laughter,the jokes,the love,the empathy,the honesty and being of these people?
Was this worth it?
My father honked.
Kartavya started crying. Right in front of me; "You don't know what you're doing man. You don't"
I didn't. And I said that to him.
I looked at these friends,one last time. I tried to see through,and feel the love and warmth that each one of them emitted for me. But I knew I wasn't strong enough to cater the needs of my heart by a memory of the eyes of each.
I knew,I wasn't strong enough to let these guys know,that I'd miss them and cry bitterly for them. I wasn't strong enough to let these guys know,that I was leaving for good, and this was the last time we were standing together- ever. Life would do us apart the minute I sat on the plane.
Cause I knew,that I wasn't strong enough to start a new beginning with memories from the past that'd tear my heart in and out to go back to those moments,and freeze in them forever.
I sat in the car,
and looked back with endless cold tears on my face,looking at these bunch of people who bid me goodbye. Who loved me,even though I had decided to be blind,deaf and dumb to that love from now on.
When I landed on the Berlin airport,
I smsd Remya ; "There's no way,I'm letting go off you guys. See you next summer,babe."
When people give you love unconditionally and never ask for you to return it, your heart rests in peace only after that love is returned and held on to,for the rest of your life.
Letting go,isn't that easy. And at times,no matter how ardent the thought is, you figure that the weakness in you becomes the strength to hold on, forever, and ever in life....
DISCLAIMER: I am very well here,very much in India. This post is purely fictitious. Real names of my friends just helped me feel myself in those imaginary shoes :)