Thursday, March 11, 2010

To let go?

The school gate closed behind me.
It was the last day,I'd ever wear a uniform and have the green gate to welcome me. Remya stood in front,anxious and prepared for a sudden breakdown. Alijah was consciously kidding around, trying to ease the tension of warring thoughts in everybody. Kartavya,trying his best, to look away and smile every time a tear threatened to escape.
I stood there,looking at the abnormal chatter, the curse-less jokes, the nervous laughs from Charu and Shreyansha, the forced laughs and pats, as a fresh layer of tears blinded my horizon.
I blinked it away, turned back and stared at the gate. The Guard gave me a smile, he liked me as a kid.
My report card,bent in the pressure of my fingers, and the tiny form in it- My immigration form. 

Those flashbacks of Remya and I dreaming of Hollywood and Beverly Hills, and of anywhere abroad... Kids that we were... those countless number of times when we wished a life away from the roofs of India, and those careless jokes about going away.
All the words and conversations started buzzing in my ear, my eyes couldn't focus and my body-a vegetable.
Monica caught me just as I was about to slip, I shock back to the world around me; "I'm fine." 
I said,as my friends rushed towards me.

My parents were waiting in the other side of the road in  the car. My bags packed. Our bags packed.

"You gonna be fine babe?" Remya asked, fear reflected her glassy eyes.

Was this really happening? Was I leaving for good? After 15 years of these guys, do I leave all this behind, and embrace a new place,a new nationality? What am I without these people? What am I without the laughter,the jokes,the love,the empathy,the honesty and being of these people?
Was this worth it?

My father honked.
Kartavya started crying. Right in front of me; "You don't know what you're doing man. You don't"
I didn't. And I said that to him.

I looked at these friends,one last time. I tried to see through,and feel the love and warmth that each one of them emitted for me. But I knew I wasn't strong enough to cater the needs of my heart by a memory of the eyes of each.
I knew,I wasn't strong enough to let these guys know,that I'd miss them and cry bitterly for them. I wasn't strong enough to let these guys know,that I was leaving for good, and this was the last time we were standing together- ever. Life would do us apart the minute I sat on the plane.
Cause I knew,that I wasn't strong enough to start a new beginning with memories from the past that'd tear my heart  in and out to go back to those moments,and freeze in them forever.

I sat in the car,
and looked back with endless cold tears on my face,looking at these bunch of people who bid me goodbye. Who loved me,even though I had decided to be blind,deaf and dumb to that love from now on.

When I landed on the Berlin airport,
I smsd Remya ; "There's no way,I'm letting go off you guys. See you next summer,babe."

When people give you love unconditionally and never ask for you to return it, your heart rests in peace only after that love is returned and held on to,for the rest of your life.
Letting go,isn't that easy. And at times,no matter how ardent the thought is, you figure that the weakness in you becomes the strength to hold on, forever, and ever in life....


DISCLAIMER: I am very well here,very much in India. This post is purely fictitious. Real names of my friends just helped me feel myself in those imaginary shoes :)


  1. Very very touching.. Could picture it all :)

  2. for a minute i froze reading, you are "immigrating"
    i love you lil you soo much..

    and yes yes..apart from emotional barrage this was a beautiful post i say !!!

  3. I so agree with Sulagna! I thought u were actually leaving!

    Fab post! Could totally relate to it :)

  4. u r way younger than what ur thoughts says ;)

  5. You get me every time! Seriously...even when I know fully logically that it is not true...I really have no idea how you do gave me goosebumps! (and it is 39 here today so that is impressive!)

  6. oh! untill i read the P.S i thought u will be reading this commwnt from another part of the world:) well written:)

  7. OY!!!! You gave me a heart attack!
    I honestly thought you were leaving. Wait, breaths are coming back....
    It was a good thing you put that disclaimer there, seriously.
    And quite right, using real names does make it feel real (But confusing to the gullible like me, who wonder when it happened, and guilt that we can't remember it :P
    Anyway, nicely written. For a last message, it wasn't bad ;)
    Oh, and I loved the last para :)

  8. @Di: Thanks tons :))

    @My babe aka Sulagana: Arreyy don't worry! Am not that easy to get rid off! heeehheee ;)
    But I love you too!
    and thankyou :) Im glad you liked my post! <3

  9. @oRange*: Aww,thanks babe <3
    You're the nicest!!
    Oohh and prettiest ;)

  10. @Lincoln: Thank you. Keep visiting :)

    @Wicked: Wow! Really?! Well,Im glad you liked it! But,wow, your comment made my day! It's nice to know that at times,the fiction we write sounds real.. It's a compliment,I take ;))

  11. @Pesto: Yeap,indeed.

    @Vintage: Haha,thank you so so much :)
    Keep visiting ma'am! :)

    Cheers to all of you guys!
    Lots of loveee <3

  12. @Charu: The super awesome commenter that you are!!
    Thank you, thank you soooo much :)
    and yes,indeed real names give us the feel of real emotions.
    Im glad! :)

  13. Omg. Omg. OMMGGG! I was like WTF!?! I mean,OMG why didn't she friggin' tell me?! AND i flipped I was like OMGGGG!!!!
    Then when I saw Berlin,I was like OMGGGG I can visit her! Cause dad goes to Germany like way often yeah and I was all happy and sad at the same time,cause India's good!
    But then,I read the end,and I was all omg okay she's here! So omg I'll kill you next time you do this to me hey!!
    But,apart from me getting mad,it was omg so well written!!
    I don't regret stayin' at home and not partying today! =)
    I love you!

  14. Mrrrriiiillllllllllllll! Hiiiii! You're here, FINALLY!
    Hahahahah! why did everybody have the same reaction after reading this post?! I would have CALLED each one of you up if I was leaving or whatever,trust me to do that :P
    Thanks, yay you like everything I like :P
    Hahaa,whatsup!? No partying today? :O :P

  15. Yeah hey I'm there. HIIIIIIII!
    Cherry,thank GOD you're online! Yes,I know okay. I've been invisible,I know.
    Sorry about the late comment hey,mum came,had to fake it =P
    teeehaaa,I like everything you write cause it's good okay!
    Nothing,no I'm not partying hey =(
    But that's okay I guess =)
    I feel all good wibed about it. =DD
    How're youuuu?! Omg,I MISS YOU!

  16. Hey sorry for the late reply!! Are you still there? I had to run downstairs. You feel good about not partying?
    Baby,are you okay?
    *concerned looks*

    Hahahah,I'm okaayyy. Desperately waiting for exams to get over!

  17. I guess you're not there anymore :( Blehh, anyway call me sometime then,we NEED to catch up!
    Catch you soon then!

  18. I've been away from Fiction for so long that I've forgotten how powerful the prose can be. How easily it can make you 'feel'. You make me wanna break out those lovely short stories I grew up with again! Nicely written. :)

  19. Brilliantly written....was very touching and could visualise every word!!

  20. really good... could practically feel the tears.. =)

  21. @RepublicOfChick: Thank you so so much :) Indeed fiction can break grounds of feelings!
    Keep visiting :) A pleasure to have you here!

    @Arati: Thank you very much! Vere kind of you!

  22. @SC: Sttuuttiiii! Hi! :D
    Thanks tons sis! :)

  23. Cherr,I'm pretty zonked as always yo.
    Your writing spins me up,always tol you hey..
    Awesome job done yo!! I mean,how god are you?! Yeah,okay okay,I went figured. No more hearts up =P
    But brilliant stuff yo cherr.
    I was pretty zonked about you movin' out, but then yeah the last part iced me down laughs!
    Are you ol now?
    We need to catch up yo!

    Oh and my sister has this fancy of deserting people in between chats.
    Don't worry about it.

    Be ol soon yo!

  24. Oh and hey, the thought at last..kicker yo!

  25. Ro! whatsuppp!? I'm sorry,I logged off when you came.
    Hey thanks :) Good that you liked it! :D
    Nothing much at my end,really. My day's been so pathetic. You have no idea.
    All I want to..I don't know. Which sucks even more. I'm just pissed. And I'm pissed real bad.
    I presume you're not online..So yes,Please do call me. We guys need to catch up.

    Oh and haha lol about the Mrill part. God don't you both ever get enough of fighting ? :P

    And thanks, glad you liked the thought :)

  26. It's an friggin' off. Where would I be except your blog yo?! Glad you're Ol Cherr! Missed talkin' to you yo!
    Hey whateve's up? Why the sad stuff hey? Want me to call? Wanna talk about it?

  27. Hey! I'm so glad you're online!!! I'm sick of Chemistry and I seriously wanted to catch up! Facebook is annoying me.
    Naah,you don't need to call. I feel much better, I get to catch up. Been ages man!
    Anyhow,what's up? :)

  28. Toldya! Facebook,Connected,Twitter are all stupid websites yo.
    You should get on Myspace. I miss that stuff,cool stuff yo.
    I know hey,I totally needed to catch up yo!
    How'v you been? sunny side up at my end yo.
    Over with a lot of assignments, a little on the over hawlin' now! =P

  29. They're not stupid..they're just annoying at times.
    I've been okay. Wow,you sound so happy. :|
    Lol,good for you! You should cut yourself some slack.
    How's Mrill?! And your folks?

  30. How can my sister be yo? She's the same. 48 hours after you chat wouldn't change her freak self,now would it? :(
    I wish it did,anyway yo.
    She's out with Jimmy. Laughs,you should have seen her face when he said he'd go to Toronto next summer for a skater's meet. And she friggin' fell for it.
    I mean,how blonde is she yo? =|
    Jim went through hell after that prank yo x) Was fun to watch =D

    Mum and dad are okay,too. How are your's?

  31. Bwaaahahahahhahah! dude,you're so mean! Lol,I can totally imagine her in anger,though. Good lord,Jim must have been SO screwed!!! :OO
    My parents are okay,too.
    God,I need a vacation :(

  32. Oh and hey! Where has Sequira been? She sent me a super cute mail,which got deleted btw :/
    But whatever,I loved it. I replied back,but she didn't reply after. :?

  33. Oh he was friggin' screwed alright!
    I dunno bot Seq,yo.
    Last time I met her was ages back...Yeah,at that super disaster dinner yo =|
    Yeah? Really? I'll let her know you were asking if I catch on her anytime,yeah.

    And,writing much?

  34. Yeapp,do that.
    Thanks :)

    Yeah,writing a lot,actually.
    I have a lot of drafts saved...Will publish them all after Boards,once I'm back with a bang ;)

  35. Awesome yo. I'll be waiting, like totally!
    yo Cherr,I think I needa run now, catch you on phone later yo?

  36. I'll call you tomorrow or maybe the day after yo.

  37. haha,yeapp, hope the wait's worth it ;) Lol
    Gotta go?
    Someone was talking about deserting people in the middle of chats.
    [Looking pointedly at you].
    Lol, it's okay. Yeah,gimme a call whenever :)
    Bye! Take care :)

  38. You bet on a 1000 dollar it will be yo.
    Laughs, don't get mad yo!
    Call you soon then!
    Take care Cherr :)

  39. :)

    @Everybody: Anyone online? :|

  40. Whoa girl.. amazing piece so touching.. And I was speechless when I was reading this.. I somehow knew this isnt true.. but I could so relate to it.. Although it was my decision to move yet I went through all of this.. and yeah I did the same to my frnds.. not letting go and ransacking their lives atleast once a year..

    All in all.. great :D

  41. Annyesha. What can I say? Your comments make my day.
    Thank you madam, thank you :)
    Lots of love!

  42. Nice. Reminded me of my last day of school.
    Had thought so much about it, being a perfect tearful goodbye and all. In the end it turned out to be a fun filled event, with people scribbling final messages all over other peoples shirts. People who would probably never met again in their lives.
    I remember I was the last one out of the gate. That's one part I love more than anything. And when it finally sinks on you that its over, its like you leave behind a piece of your soul..

    But it was worth it, every minute of it. And that's what counts.

    PS: I am getting teary eyed just writing this as the memories of school come back. :)

  43. PPS: Do follow my blog....
    I'm so shameless...

  44. @Somak: Hi,aw I am so sure it was all of that...sigh...
    But thanks for the nice comment, nostalgia never subsides in a person no matter how old he gets,now does it?

    PPS-Ain't I following already? :S


Pour out your thoughts on mine.... :)