That was all he used to tell me. Always. Our's was a love marriage. With our parents consent, we were what you'd call "The perfect start and End". How ironic..I now think.
Kailash was a photographer,and I was a journalist. We both were struggling,when we got married. My parents and his,trusted our relationship,we were lucky our capabilities were never doubted.
We didn't have a car, we had a bike. We had a fridge,no air conditioners,coolers would do..One landline, cellphones yet to come.
We couldn't afford more than that. We had limitations. I suffered from Sugar and High Blood pressure,so the medical expenses every month weren't friendly.
We couldn't think about kids,we couldn't support a family yet. So we decided to wait.
And no matter how silent that wait might have been, our eyes could never fool the other about the impatient sobs that tricked and escaped us.
And no matter how silent that wait might have been, our eyes could never fool the other about the impatient sobs that tricked and escaped us.
One night,I remember,we went out for dinner to a local restaurant.. He was playing around with random pictures of the place with his camera.
I was fiddling with my saree and he said "Can I ever capture that?"
"What? Me stuttering with my saree?"
"Yes"
"Why,I don't think you're quite a Romantic,now are you baby?"
"What makes you think the photograph won't be as good? I think it'll be very romantic"
"Baby,not everyone who sees that picture loves me,you know?"
"You don't know what you talk, Shruti".
"I'd like you to indeed make me figure how a portrait of an uncomfortable wife in a beady saree would look romantic someday!"
He didn't reply. We ate dinner,and left.
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About three and a half years passed,
finally, Kailash and I,both seemed to have established ourselves in our respective careers.
We bought a car,2 air conditioners and we had cellhphones.. Which weren't very cheap in the market..They were just launched and were hyped better than any other product designed,on that year.
We made it the hard way,we struggled. There were times when I used to feel frustrated,he took all my anger in silently and let out nothing but love. It irritated me that he never spoke or shouted at me,it enraged me further to not have him reciprocate to the passionate anger in me for that spur of a minute.. and to that,he fulfilled that, too. He knew I would never let out what I had hidden in me,he knew I wouldn't. He knew my anger was a conclusion to a buried dream, which wasn't allowed to speak. So, Kailash screamed back,one day.. I countered him with all my voice,he did,again,I did then.
Our fight went on for a whole hour,or maybe more,I wouldn't know.. By the end of it,I was resigned to the floor crying "I need a child,Kailash,I need a child. I want to be a mother"
"What ever you say,baby. Whatever you say"
that was all he said.
* * * * * *
"You're pregnant."
The doctor confirmed. Kailash and I knew ecstasy. I knew I could support a child now,I knew I could finally have a family.
Not just the two of us,not just dinner every night at 8 with the two of us in our big house, not just the remote resigned peacefully to Kailash,not just the house being spot clean anymore...but a whole family. Where our child would screw up the beddings,would shout,make noise, break things, and there would be our home with all the normalcy put together. Not just a huge house where two people use a single bedroom..It'll be our home with warmth and voices brimming in from every corner. Every wall..
Kailash worked till the 5th month of my pregnancy,but then he took leave. We could afford taking leaves easily,now. But,I kept nagging Kailash not to.
"Shruti,it's not like I need to do this. I want to do this. I want to take care."
A teardrop and a smile was my answer to him.
Saying that Kailash took care of me would not give those 4 months of his hardwork justice. I was all that he saw,breathed,cared about. My sudden whims would be fulfilled before I could say "Kailash". He knew what I wanted,he knew I needed him. I was the apple of his eyes.
Those months passed in claps,and all of a sudden,my labor day came. Pain tore me in and out,I felt like a mad mind. My veins, my arms,my muscles..Everything seemed to have jaws biting me and pulling me towards unconsciousness. I wanted to give up,I felt like I was being burnt,alive. I felt like I could die, if that were an option. Kailash was running along my stretcher,I remember, but all that he said is "You'll be fine,I'm here,right here Shruti. She's fine. She's fine". By she, he meant our going to be baby daughter.
"The mother in me says it's a girl" Kailash used to say,hugging me. Suddenly,in all my pain,those memories flashed in. I was over whelmed. The pain agitated me.
During the delivery,the doctor told Kailash I was critical,I saw Kailash give her a disparate look,and a tear escaped the corners of his eyes when he looked at me,smiled and said "You're just fine baby".
I knew I wasn't. The mother in me,knew.
I heard a child's cry- and I saw her. I smiled, and sighed to Kailash; "I wish you could capture me."
And I closed my eyes.
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Life sometimes, hears us at the wrong times. It heard me,when I said ; "I felt like I could die if that were an option." and it granted my wish,fouling no hassle. Today,when I look down from here at Kailash,I see him loving our daughter with all his life. He's understood that life's unfair only when we wish it ourselves.
And I laugh when I see the picture in our bedroom he put up..Yes,the very one with me struggling the saree. I laugh at myself..He proved me wrong,we both knew it. Romanticism dripped from the very frame of it. My eyes- forever on his. My heart left behind. He looks at it everyday, and smiles at me saying "Your pallu was always so beady baby..I don't blame you for the stutter".
So you guys,I'm up here. Late realization...A bit too late.
So watch out for what you say,what message the air carries from you,what the walls might here...Life might be listening.
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