I run away to 47*c.

I'm just about to start packing..for another runaway from Delhi. I did mention my 10 day long escape to Orissa for a cultural workshop right? Yeah, well, that starts tomorrow!
Although I'm going to get baked in the heat out there, trust me I'm looking forward to it like a greedy kid looking at candy. I'm going to wittness legendary artists like Pandit Birju Maharaj, Shree Ashwini Bhide, Girija Devi, Rajana Sajan Misra- and the list goes on. It's going to be insane, and I can feel it already.

This trip won't be a vacation- the first thing we were told. We are to get up everyday at 3:45am and start our day with Yoga. The whole day we will attend lectures, performances by these artists and regular three hours of intensives everyday (in my case- Odissi, Creative writing and Sufi music) .. The way we live will reflect that of a Gurukul style of living. No comforts and a lot of sweat and hard work through out the day. Lights will be off by 9:30pm and no cameras or phones allowed. The idea is to isolate us for these 10 days so we realize something greater than a materialistic idea of a comfort zone, and understand the gravity of the experience that we are practically being blessed with, to actually be in a program with artists of such mountainous levels.

These guys at SPIC MACAY are going to drill us. They are going to drill us for all these 10 days, but they've promised this to be the best experience of our bloody lives, and hell I'm on my toes to get on the train already! I'm going with my bunch of favorite ladies and I can't wait to meet the other 1500 students from around India who are going to be there :D

So, dear Earth people, say Goodbye to Ole Nil till the 31st of June... and I promise to be back with a bang! I'll be back with a million stories and I promise to rant for as long as your ears don't fall off : )

But till then, I walk into isolation with a smile,
and I hope this stay at the Undergrounds will be a legendary tale of my life, a tale to tell :-)

--Kites for the summer,
Nil.

It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy.

Doing a million things that you might do well in, grabbing every oppourtunity that might lead you to a peak a little higher than the last one, striving to keep up with the rat race that starts the minute you open your eyes in the morning,accepting your faults and short coming to perfect yourself some more, and keeping yourself as busy as you can just so you can get over some stuff and encourage yourself to get going with the present to have a sound future- yes. All of this does leave you gasping for some air. And for a break.
And do you know where does that break reside? It resides in five wicked ladies. For of who make you get up at 6am on the first day of your summer vacation, travel half way across delhi in a metro to go hoot for a fantastic performance by one of those ladies who stun you with thier performance and then follow up to two days that have everything- from sleep, to cold coffees, to hours of chat, to pool side parties, to dinner, to fights, to honest talks, to laughs, to photographs and malls, and then a ride back on the metro half way across delhi- all in one weekend.

This weekend was the mother of all weekends and I shall remember it for as long as women live on this planet. Hell, the past three months have been so crazy.. So many things hit me, so many confessions, so many decisions, and so many dilemmas. So many things ended. But I guess so many things started too,right? I let go off a million things, sat down and threw away every complexity that reached me. I just decided to not bother about anything and everything that was screwing me up somewhere and I decided to start afresh. And the first step was to smile and do what makes Me happy. Things are slowly falling back to place, but there's something so fantastic about this erratic person in me. Of this person who isn't a phone person anymore, who likes to walk, who likes to make quick plans, and who doesn't regret any thing.
But it sure is tiring,too. To be in a constant war with every element that might want to make me turn around and imbalance my run... and sigh. Aren't we all blessed to have these certain faces that suddenly pop out of nowhere and plan out the wildest weekend to just godamn have fun and catch up on six months of bullshit?

So yes. My weekend was murderously wondrous! And to you ladies- Rem, Monx,Megh and Shrey. You guys made my month! and I swear, this weekend was more than enough for me to pass the next few weeks worrying about nothing and saying What the hellll to ever screw up :P
I love you craaaazy women :*

-- Much much love,
Nil/Bongo/Nilzi/Nila. ;)

The month of May.

No, my blogpost title isn't that because it's May, it's because I wrote a fiction piece called The month of May and I CAN'T FIND IT. I wrote three short stories on paper, and now those nine pages are missing from my room and I couldn't be more annoyed.
Anyhow. This weekend was pretty okay, better than the last two sad weekends. I went out for a shoot to Hauz Khas on Saturday, and finally had lunch at Gunpowder, a place I had wanted to go for so long! My cousin was over, so she and I had our own little ball on Sunday. We went lunatic shopping, that ended with a movie with aaalll the brothers and a late night return back home :-)  Not to mention the predicted crapped up Geography paper the next day, but oh well, it was inevitable, and I couldn't give a damn anymore.

So my first round of exams are over! And school gives over in less than three days....and then. Trust me, the kind of wild laughter that's ringing in me, if only you guys could hear it too, you'd know what I mean!
It's giving me a hard time to realize the fact that this is the last summer vacation of my school life. Sure, I've abused school enough in the past fourteen years, but now that I'm left with a tiny 6-month tenure in it.. I realize I've been such a fool :|  But then I'm also excited about college, very excited actually. But hell, even the thought of not having my retarded group of friends around is just appalling. They've been such an umbrella to everything since I can even remember. But anyway.. leaving that aside for a blogpost on the day of my farewell, I shall come back to summer break :P

So yes, this vacation- I plan to make it memorable. I don't want to be sleeping every day, I plan to sleep till late every alternative day :P Most of May I won't be here, I'm going to Orissa with a couple of friends from school for a week long workshop where the most eminent cultural artists from around India will be coming! Yes, that's another biggg news I shall share with all of you later, it's going to take up some time :P But in short- It's something I'm really looking forward to and I'm crazy excited about it!
Then comes June. I plan to stay for Vanta's birthday and then leave for Calcutta for a good three weeks! And then come back in time for Remya's birthday :*
Considering I've been ranting about Cal on my blog since about two months, you guys must be fairly acquainted with my plans :P  So yes. They're all fixed and good to go! Some Place Else shall see my face very soon and quite often- as promised by a die hard Cacuttian ;)

So anyhow, I should probably go now. What a pleasure it is to ditch school, wake up so late and then find your tiny niece to be home :) So I shall take your leave now, readers. I'm working on a bunch of fiction now that I'm going to be absolutely free for another two months! So brace yourselves :D

Oh and here's a photo I clicked in Hauz Khas. It was just so cheerful and something that would remind me of good times! So I wanted to put it up. Hope you guys like it :)

Ciao, Tuesday people. Ditch office with a half day, y'all ;)

-Nil.

A quiet mind.

The ferocious Queen stopped talking,today- my mind.

The queen who yelled and reined,

the queen who ran and flew,

the queen.. My mind, that tormented insane.

She stopped talking today.

The million thoughts,

the thousand talks,

the mind that buzzed with a talkative might,

My mind was my master,

and she stood silent today.

For the King stepped out,

and the air was cold,

so cold that the warmth of the hearts,

sobered to silence.

The hearts that once beat,

with the melody of love,

the heart that once loved,

with the passion of a madman,

The heart that once beat,

because it wanted to, for me.

Tonight, the King stepped out,

and my empire seems sparse and small,

the empire of my mind,

stood and stared through my iris,

and the coldness that set in,

to a dawn that was promised.

The ferocious Queen stopped talking,today- my mind.

and the silence rings,

to the hollow corners of a heart,

that wants to find her voice again.

-Nil.

Fearless.

This was a long due post. Something that's been pent up. Gone through over and over again within me, with some nights as silent as a funeral, some days that were brighter than sunshine.
It's the thought of being fearless.
This isn't fiction. This is an honest confession. To who? I don't know. Not to the world. Not to myself. But I.. have changed.
Over the past two months, life's been nothing close to usual. It's been a ride, of the worst stuff and the weirdest of epiphanies. I've been really loud and a vocal person, but I seemed to have sobered down over the last few months. Things happened. Situations changed. And I chose. I chose a lot of things, a lot of ways, a lot of things that I might have ignored before. But, somewhere, deep down, I know a lot in me has changed,too.
I wouldn't say there's an absence of fear in me. But I find something greater in me than that today. I have the strength to walk ahead, aware of things that might hit me hard on the way. This isn't anything new to the world, I bet you've read tonnes of articles of people around the globe about these epiphanies. But to me.... it is something new. Nascent, in a very fragile sense that touched my mind tonight, and was brewing in my heart for a while.
I'm not scared of getting lost anymore. Because I know I can find my way back. The world isn't as hostile as we think, at the end of the day, we all suffer from the same insecurities and grievances. They just come in different forms, to different people.

I'm not scared of people walking out of my life. I'm not scared of losing out on people. It's alright. I'm not scared of losing my place to another person in  any body's life. I'm not scared of not being missed. I'm not scared of facing facts as they are.
Cause I've figured it's alright. It's really alright. 
If you're needed in a person's life, that person will fight to death to get you back. Otherwise, deal with the fucking fact that you're not required.
Try to understand that you deserve more, and really, learn to echo the thoughts- Screw this shit. I've had enough.


My father told me a few weeks back, "This is just the beginning sweetheart". And I could see it hurt him to say that to his daughter who he never wanted to see grow up into a lady. He wants me to be a kid, he doesn't want things to change.
But he also knew that I'd grown up. Grown up just enough to smile to his words and nod in honest agreement.

Something has grown up in me. I feel fearless. Maybe it's just one of those nights when you rant on to the billion fights going on within you.....but maybe not.
Maybe, I've learnt to see what I deserve and what I don't.

And just maybe, this confession will stay in me, for the times to come.

"Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."
-Bob Marley













-Nil.