Untitled, for once.

Have you ever had that one stretch of uncounted hours when your mind shuts off to all the sense in the world, and you find yourself in a boat; a boat, in the middle of your mind. You can see the walls of your mind but all they ring of being cold air. The seams of the white in your eye have a tinge of red, your throat is chocked but you're biting your lip as hard as you can to not cry. You're a strong girl, strong girls don't cry. That's not what the world said, no. That's what you told yourself.
The little lamp of white light next to you gives you no comfort. If at all, it reminds you every minute that there is not a single door present in the valves of your mind, there are only walls; which do not even listen. No matter how much you speak aloud, you'll just bite your lips harder when your words ring back to you.

You don't understand this. You don't understand this confinement, you don't understand your mind. And you know; this too, shall pass; though this one sure is doing everything it can to make you ridicule a hopeful belief, such.

You're a strong girl, though. You're not going to cry.
Tell yourself that, just one more time. 


-Nil

Ledz bee productive?

Too much socializing has happened over the past month, and now I'm panting for some breathing space and alone time. Which is perfect timing because I have my end sem exams starting this 21st, and I really should be studying (now.)
I realized I like my course; as in the content in it. Obviously that doesn't stop me from harassing it with some serious bitch rants before every internals... but feeling calm and sober right now, I admit I quite like the stuff I'm studying. Specially Marxism (yep, I know you hate me for saying this, Vanta) and Functionalism.
So basically, I plan to utilize the next two weeks studying like a crazy person, re-writing my notes with a handwriting that any literate soul can comprehend, and the one the University wouldn't give a straight fail to.
This feeling is nice, it feels like the Boards all over again when all I had was a focus, I kept to myself and nothing could distract me. I miss that focus. Somewhere I know that this whole college rush has made me forget that feeling, I've forgotten how to study with passion and feel good about knowing my subject. And no, believe me, I'm not a nerd. I just like accomplishing priorities. So because of college and the zillion activities around it, I've been juggling with my priorities which is never a good idea, by the end of it I'm really irritated with myself and I snap at people. =/

Thus, the next two weeks will be spent sitting with mugs of black coffee, neatly highlighting important sections from the reader with my lovely neon highlighter, and perhaps and hopefully quite a bit of blogging during my breaks. I want to feel productive again, not just extra-curricular-wise/ socially but academically.
Mission starts tonight, people. Tonight.


-Nil. 

Still alive who you love.

Origin of this post: 

It began with a quiet hum, almost like a silent conversation in the back of my mind. The hum was low and melodious, though abrupt and began out of nowhere, not a single origin was in sight. As the hum grew vociferous, a beat caught up, and some sense began to unwind from its slumber. As soon as I began understanding today, tomorrow ran in; as I tried to understand tomorrow, day after tapped its foot impatiently. So I decided to unlearn what I realized, and I decided to listen hard to the music which made no sense to me, at all. Though that music felt like a part of my world, and even though the melody grew into something stronger, that faint hum of abruptness didn't leave me. For that hum, was my discovery. 

The hum became an epiphany, it became a dream that should have been seen before, it became a possession  it became a performance... it became a masterpiece.
The song was never staged, though. It resonated much too often along the veins of my body which helped more revelations travel, than fluids. A feeling was the perpetual invader of my existence, irrespective of which one, but there always lived a feeling.

And perhaps, that is why a faint hum eventually turned into a marched progression of a sense of strangeness, though a strangeness with a twisted smile, the one that looks beautiful on a face.
And while I live on along with this strangeness and a constant hum that feels abrupt in all its glorious continuum,  my existence will resonate nothing but blessedness, for the beauty of discovery is such that the unfamiliar becomes and acquaintance, crony, and some strange day I shall realize; it's become a part of me, and its existence is seen, felt, and heard every time I sit alone on a quiet afternoon, feelin' blue..

For that hum was my discovery,
and for me, that hum was you. 


-A happy feelin'
Nil.