The embers of a racing mind.

I can almost feel the curvature of my first thought burning away as quickly as the wing of a happy butterfly would ash away to; when inched  to an ignited matchstick. The head of the second thought was the origin of such friction and so has been the cycle of my thoughts, lately. Burnt out; even before one could live. 
A pandemonium of events uncannily containing similar emotions, all of which turn into a chaos inside a breathing room divided into two; my mind needs space. 
Examples of how fragile the think tank of our anatomy is have been in abundance, recently. And some times, I wonder; aren't we all a little tilted in the dark side, at some point?

"A calm man always has a war within him.. which is why, he is calm." ; I heard an acquaintance say, with a smirk today. And the glint in his eyes at the moment convinced me of the autobiographical statement, casually passed to push the puberty of understanding him. 
Since then, a very different spotlight surrounds his figure even in day light, when I look at him. And then I wonder, don't we just look at people? Isn't that all the shallow effort we put in to understanding the immediate wall of concrete we live in, after all? And then we wonder why pity surrounds our existence?

"Atleast this patch of Earth I'm standing on, is my ashtray." ; That was the parent of arrogance, her tongue talking. To our questioning looks, she didn't defend; she stated; that the patch of land she stood on was loyal to her weight, it was loyal to the foreskin of her body and mind. The patch of land was hers to spoil with all her ridiculous and whimsical ideas, to all the forms of salt that secrete out of her brown skin, to the lose strands of hair that fall out of her scalp to rid themselves of the overwhelming amount of turbulence beyond their roots. The patch of Earth was her. It was made out of her, and thus will wait for her slowly ashing body to come back home. The breed of such women was lost, we thought?

" The relevance of the human will and word is tragic, to say the least." ; I thought, after that one friend closed the door behind him. That one friend who was an undertone to the first quarter of my life, who was the proof of my childhood and who was the ear to every voice that made it out of my throat; and the ones that didn't. Years and years of mindless banters and baseless words exchanged in between found their way to my ear drums and I realized how relative human words are; for once the intention changes and the will demolishes, those words don't even exist enough to be called empty, anymore. There is no vessel to them, only tainted air of something that used to be. 
And one day, all those inconsequential conversations will skin the time you lost out on, alive. 


-Nil.

On the 366th day.

To the 366th day of 2012,

you're the only gap, the only thin line between what happened in the last 8760 hours, and what will happen in the next 8760 hours. You're the only manifestation of cognizance and expectation, now. You're the only source of remembering myself from yesterday and waiting for myself, tomorrow. You overwhelm me, a little. You overwhelm me because you're the only day of the year that makes me feel forgetful, inevitably; every year. I struggle to remember the little details that never seemed little enough at the time of being, and yet they flutter away to a very forgotten space of my consciousness today. The only difference is perhaps... that usually, I come around to remembering. Except, this year; I don't.

Apart from the obvious, this year feels like the kind I'd want to forget with coercion, and yet remember with all my heart and soul. This year started with a note of the perfect new year, however the 'perfect' did hit its ocean bed, not just once, but many a times. But then again, this year reached it's peaks too. This year pushed me just a little more to realize myself a little more, this year made me lose out on people and eventually find them by the end of it. They weren't lost, after all. Close enough, but not enough.
This year bought in people; oh yes, there were new faces. Blessed be the coincidence (or not),  but those faces were needed terribly in my hour count. Thank you, for walking in.

I wouldn't want to be unfair. Every year has its best hair days too, so did this one. This year's been one of the biggest milestones to achieving what I'd set out for; this year was me at my headstrong best. This year had me wandering, and yet not being lost. This year had me lost, and yet willing to wander some more. I don't want to mention each and every memory this time, like I usually do every year; simply because a certain primary element of those memories was missing most of the year. But then again, maybe next year's new year entourage post will have me quoting more memories than ever. But what matters is the feeling I have within me, right now. This year has tested me. It's seen me at my fragile best, it's seen me at my strongest. Things fell apart this year; I walked on to newer things, this year.

So there, 2012. On the 366th day of you, this is me still smiling for you. You had to happen. You needed to happen. You needed to happen just so I realized a few; very few but indispensable epiphanies that were knocking on my door, for a year now. You had to happen. You just had to.

Happy new year, World.


-Nil.

Thank you for not making sense.

A pandemonium inside your bony skull and within your heart that's the size of your mere fist can some times, absolutely paralyze you and hold you still in the middle of a hot, working and busy day. The kind of day when even your subconscious mind should ideally turn dumb, deaf and blind; to ensure no manifestation of mindful disasters. Mindful, mind you; not mindless. 

Such a pandemonium usually means a lot of noise which only gets louder once you plug in your earphones, and every song almost sounds satiric, mocking to your misunderstood misery. 

But say thank you, for not making sense. After every file of obviousness that's been neatly stacked into your mind, and every little box tightly packed away into quiet corners of that coffer throbbing inside your chest.. after such achieved order, we often trash away the not so obvious which wasn't highlighted with a neon marker in the rationality of your mind or consideration of your heart. But often, those little eightysixed details end up actually being the full stops to years worth of bemusement. 

What happens when all those file are scattered on the floors of your mind which is used to being in an apple -pie order? What happens when all those little boxes are blown off their lids and all the four walls fall apart with everything inside meanders out?

Beautiful happens. 

Because all of a sudden, every orderly detail stands next to the ones that are not. And like trifling chipped ends of blue tiles, you connect the dots you thought that were already connected, only to form a completely new pattern, and you witness the same story you thought was over; from the same pair of eyes, except this time, with a sensible mind. 

Yes, I said sensible mind. For in all the chaos of nonsensical shenanigans in your head, all they did was form a nebula of affairs; from your mind, and from your heart. 

It gave you a chance to make sense, once again. 

- A much tranced out,
Nil. 

I'll forget what happened, and I'll dance, right there in the middle.

Greetings, winter people!
The shout mouth is back. And go get some blankets and a whole lotta hoodies, here comes up my winter update.

So last night was the last school Annual Day of my life. It never really sunk in cause unlike the past thirteen years, I didn't bunk each and every class for 3 weeks irrespective of annual day rehearsals or no, didn't run around the whole school helping out with lists of a zillion participants or stayed back in school for post school hour rehearsals. This fourteenth year, I just went for a single stage practice to figure the spotlight and stage space and that's it, I saw the stage next straight on performance day. Which is why maybe, this year.. annual day didn't feel right. But the fact that last night was my last solo performance on that stage feels surreal. 

(Thanks for the photo, Vantz!)

My friends came, my parents were darn proud. The show ended at quite an amazing note, and it didn't look half as shitty as I thought the Finale would be. It wasn't no fine choreography, but it was just.. an agglomeration of kids who danced on the aisles, on stage and on the stairs despite the frequent swears they probe at the school system everyday. And I guess that's what happened to me,too. Two minutes before my entrance, I stood backstage and I forgot about every thing that happened, went on stage and danced right there in the middle of the stage and gave the best I could to my last performance in school. 

When it ended, and I took a bow, I felt happy. Content. And satisfied. A series of events after which included praise, laughter, photographs, squeals ended with me in the car ride back home, and a weird sense of anxiety. What next? What, after this? 

So I guess this anxiety will stay till March end. Till the next two months of complete riots get over, and every one's back to normal and back to their senses. (Believe me I have reasons for saying the same.)

December's been a strange month. Of our school's Conti, informal end of school, strange mood swings, denial, complete ignorance, goddamn winter and a mumbo jumbo of the mind and the heart.

The fact that the one most constant thing in my life, school is pretty much gone leaves me on a very vulnerable ground where I'm just breathing calm and trying to hold on to the icing. 

It'll be fine, I know it will. It's just the wait, that's so taxing. 

Anyhow, Christmas tomorrow. The heart of the city's going to look gorgeous tonight, so please do make a quick detour from your celebrations and make your way to Connaught Place. I know I will :)

Other than that, another year's come to an end... New years in a week, wow. Damn, 2011 you've been one unnecessary year. But more on that, later :-)

That's enough for December's update. Also, THANK YOU lovely readers for the gorgeous response on the last piece. I can't say it enough, but you guys keep my going. This is another quick opportunity to mention Shelly Brown who's been reading my blog since about three years and finally decided to email me her heart out this December, thank you. Silent readers like you probe the subconscious writer in me to write more just for a few anonymous smiles, around the world. Thank you, really. 

 

With that, I sign out. Have a gorgeous Christmas, you guys and I'll hopefully be back with a New Years post, as ritual has it. 

Much love, always,

Nil.

P.s- Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Over, the madness.

And it's over, the five day long madness.
The getting up in the morning to wear a crisp cotton saree, or showing around the pandals to my non bong friends like a matter of pride, the ceremonies at home, the sound of Dhak playing making your heart flutter, staying out way into the night with cheerful companions,the dhunochi aaroti dance, food- oh the food! And just... the festival in itself. The five days that you feel alive, the most. 
I know I mentioned the anticipated depression, but it ain't there really. I'm quite overwhelmed as always, and happiness is enjoying the quiet lazy epiphanies by sadness.

Durga Pujo this year was of another kind. Absolutely magnificent in most aspects and a little nostalgic in few.. the rituals were all the same. The pandals, most of the people, the feeling of belonging under one very colorful umbrella of happiness, and perpetual excitement of every minute.. yes, it was all the same. But also absolutely different in a whole new level.

Pujo started with Panchami when Rob and I fought pretty much the Odds of all the screwed network connections of Vodafone (hehh! Quite a night that one!).. Shashti, my ladies came over. That was altogether a trip of a different kind. Seven saree-clad beauties marching the roads with loud laughter, sipping on chuski, and a whole lot of fun.. Saptami was my day out with the other craziness oriented loves. Neha, Sheks,Chika, Rohan,Apu, Rukmani, Shuvro and okay basically a whole bunch of insane people! That was the ditch-Cr.Park-Day. We went and checked out the pandals outside Cr.park and they were such beauties I tell ya. Not to mention, the night ended with a drive to India gate wearing Devil horns and glow in the dark shades :-P   Ashtami, there was the main puja at my place.. Shiv came over, showed her around, bumped into Kanz and gang. Following which was the night that I felt alive the most- the Ashtami arati at K-block, where I did the dhunochi.. The rush, the intoxicating feeling of dancing in front of the idols proceeding to a trance is the one feeling that would stay and refuses to go away.
And Navami. The cherry on the cake.
The huge Bhattacharjee family rented a bus and off we were to rule the Puja pandals of New Delhi! And heh, um, then. For the keeps- the Navami night party at Cheeka's. THAT, I won't forget. Ever. No, not ever! No further details on that,err.
And finally, Bhashan..... The Visarjan saw us bongs go wild on the streets dancing to the beats of Dhak.. what a visarjan.. damn.

Ashtami Dhuno Aaroti..

So yeah. It's ended. The madness is over, and it's time to get back to the thick stick of Everyday. But as cliched, however very honest- and thus begins a year long wait. A wait that's always so worth it. It's been a kickass Pujo. Something I rather didn't expect.. I wish I had more to say, for this post. I anticipated a lengthy post  describing every minute detail of the odyssey.. but I think this is as much as I'd want to share, the rest is to stay with me only. For that's how amazing this pujo was, and I'd rather leave it to that. It's beauty within me.
 This Pujo was the onset to a whole new vision, a vision I ignored, to now realize that it was actually bliss.

Shubho bijoya everyone, and god bless :-)
Nil.

Snippets.

Blissful without Facebook. Never thought I'd say that.
While I was on my break from Pol Science : 

I love.

The BEATLES Coffee Table book.

My first Valentine's Day Rose. 2009. (From my old diary)

My birthday, 2009. Woke up to find a huugge bouquet of roses.

What Remya and I do in Pol Science.

Economics class :)

Happiness.

 -A slightly different,

Nil.

The best of all 17 birthday cakes.

Remya traveled across the city at 10 in the night, almost got duped and reached my house catching me off guard with dinner in my hand just so she could be there at midnight to wish me birthday. She just appeared, out of nowhere, with her typical retarded bright grin screaming "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! HAPPY BIRTHDAYY!! HAPPPYYY BIIRRTHHDDAYY!!" and waking up the whole house of fourteen people from their slumber of work on a usual day. My mother followed in clapping her hands laughing aloud with her and then my father followed while the whole house floated in grins, delight, and laughter.. THAT was why my parents would kick me out of my own room every time Remya called in the past week, it was a Midnight surprise that she planned with my parents. I was too stunned to react, I stood there with chicken in my hand and mouth wide open. And after about 3 minutes of a billion "What the...." moments repeated in my head, I gained control and gave her a h-u-g-e hug. I was ecstatic.. And then she gifts me one of the best presents I've received in all the 17 years of my life- A black and white photo of us, where she was whispering something into my ear and it said- "To my sweetest Cara... For you, a thousand times over." - After which I was too emotional to say anything and kept repeating "Are you serious?" ..I cut the cake at 12am with my family, and sneaked upstairs to my room with Rem by 12:30. She stayed the night over. We had a sweet slumber party with giggles and heart to hearts, of sleepy photo shoots and laughs.
Calls and texts flowed in, the randomest to the most expected people wishing me. A teacher remembered, a teacher who I hadn't been in touch with for a looong while.. Rob sneaked out upstairs just so he could call :P
Then Debo Da asked me to check Facebook, and I see his profile photo as a photo of us,again. Which said, "HAPPY BUDDAYY TO THE LITTAALL ONNEE!". And there, added a cherry to my cake.

His and Niru Di's surprise (tickets to Blue Mug!!!) followed the next day, which flipped me over yet again. You two are just adoraaabbllee. No wait, LEGGEENNDDHHAARRYY!!! ;)

Then the next day- School. Hugs. Wishes. Cards. Treats. Bunks. RAIN. Random singing of "Happy Birthday" in the middle of the corridor, courtesy- Rem,Vantz,Guinz,Reddy,Raya,Chatur, and just random people joining in and making me melt in the middle of somewhere..

Then, back home. Huuuuggeee party scheduled at 6pm. A party themed the 60's! I was dead nervous about how things would turn up, dad was unwell, people started coming in and the music wasn't ready. The huge sunflower that was supposed to be stuck to my head wasn't working out. My brothers worked like dogs, managed the music, Remya came in, and asked me to chill. And the sunflower..eventually got around to it :P
By Seven, everybody moved to the terrace, and surprisingly enough everybody had done a bloody darn good job at looking Retro! My cousin sister was in Del too, so she kicked up some dresses with us too! The girls looked gorgeous and the guys were absolutely handsome! So finally the party kick started, food, games,DANCE! It was crazy when Rob enters with his bomb. He hands me his gift, I open it, and I see a charcoal sketch of me... yes, he sketched ME. And that was what he was hiding in his room,locked since what? a week I guess. My mouth was struck open for the second time and finally when I did compose myself, all he did was shrug and smile,followed by a biggggggg hug.. Even now when I think about it I get the chills. It's gorgeous, and.. I don't think anyone's ever bothered sketching me,before. So yeah. I reached cloud Nine. Also, the Khandelwal sisters got me another divine frame of pictures that I'd wanted since time immemorial! They've always been pros at them - "Making birthday frames since 1994" ;)
All the gifts were gorgeous, most of the gifts were emotional. SO very emotional. And exotic (Vantz and Shiiiv ;) and a lottt of literature and nose studs :P (Stuti,Joy,Neha,Sheks,Chiks), diaries <3 (Kanishka), perfumes (Chatur), Chocolates! (Mantaaah), etc etc, the list goes on!
..............We all danced into the night. I danced with my favorite ladies on the most cheap 60's songs ever! And the awkward boys who took so much effort to dress up eventually came around to dancing their butts off too! :P
The birthday cake was cut, with the birthday song, followed by my ladies singing me out patent song "Sweetie" :-P
Then,I was blindfolded and was taken downstairs to discover a huge Projection screen set up. Everyone was giggling and I had NO idea whatever was up.. And then, started a slide show. A slideshow that my sister made for my birthday, starting from pictures right when we were kids to now when we were grown ups.. and that's it, I couldn't stop, I burst into tears! After what seemed like eons of hugging and sniffing, we all went back upstairs carrying on with dinner and dessert.. Some more dancing,some more talking.. and slowly people started hugging me goodbyes.
And then started another few hours of Family Partying with lovely dinner and post-birthday photos :P
.....and then once the party was over and I was back in my shorts, I get a call from Milda to come down. The party never really stops when she's around now does it? :)


And so, after what seemed like another few decades of things I don't even remember, I hit the bed. Content. Happy. And High.
High to best birthday ever, to those 17 friends who made it with a lot of difficulties just to be there on my day, to my family who worked so very hard to just see me smile like a child and to just someone out there, who's been watching me all along.
Here's to the best birthday cake of all the 17 crazy, wild,insane years and still counting!

This is to all of you, All of you who wished,who were there,and those who wished to be.... cheers :)

There were too many pictures and they'd take up ages to upload on Blogger, so here's all of us. Together :)

-A 17 year old-Nil :}

because we love delhi at 8pm.

Hello there, World.
Howdy?
The sky has changed a great deal at my end, ever since the last time I updated.. And the colors keep shifting, promising me to not be static for a while, and I'm fine with that. I'm fine with that cause right now, all I have is tonnes and tonnes of time. My exams have ended, and now I plan to do nothing but spend time with myself doing the things I like and just relaxing, and just being... if you know what I mean?
I'm taking a huge break. From too many things.. And I hope by the end of it, I clear the fuzzy thoughts in my mind and can conclude to what I'm going to carry on with, and what will I leave behind as a chapter I'd like to close and only remember with the fondest of memories.

Anyhow. Absolutely keeping the senti-maro-lines,
I had a fantastic evening after a bloody long time. So today, after school, I crashed at Remya's. We had an idea of having a completely boring useless evening of sitting at her place, watching movies and eating like hogs... however, the day didn't quite play those cards at all. So I was supposed to go to Jeffrey Archer's book launch today, but then nothing was working out for me, so I had pretty much over ruled the idea of getting there.. but as Remya and I follow the religion of Randomness, we decided we'd go! So we go on google map and try to figure out the way to vasant kunj, trying to figure the patches we'd walk/ use the metro/the rickshaw, parallely our mind is laughing its ass off even at the thought of how ridiculous our Plan of action sounded.....so after a decade of planning and plotting of transport and charges, we end up taking an auto straight to Vasant kunj, cruelly ditching all the adventurous metro rides and yada yada we were planning on :-P
After we got there, we hung around like cows for a bit, went to Mc.Donald's, burped, came out, joined another friend and went ahead to the book launch. The book launch was..........fantastic. Plain fantastic. Lord Jeffery is truly the Lord. Just as his critiques state, the man's a genius.
Out of a crowd of 60-70 fans, Rem and I were the only ones sans a book to be signed by him.. And the weirdest part was,we were fine with it. Rather we were pleased.. cause there was something about just sitting on our seats after the session ended and just stare and muse over the prodigy before us. There's something about quiet memories that we both appreciate :)
So we left.

Once we got out of the mall it was about 7:45.. and it was real quiet and shady :-P But hey we got an auto (for some weird luck, we've been real lucky with transport today, which usually isn't the case) and as we came back sitting in the auto with the wind trying to race our sight and strands of hair to a tough race, all we could talk about is at the end of the day, Delhi's the sweetest thing ever.. no matter how urban it is, sure it gets annoying, but we belong here. And this city's just... magic.

So this was one of the randomest day outs ever, and perhaps the best... after a real long time, I had nothing to worry about and just be a teenager and ....... i just chilled. In thee most honest and literal meaning of the word. And sure, Rem and I are the shaits, it's always fun when we both get together yo girlphraaaaaand ;)

So the next few days, before 12th grade starts, this is going to be my life. I'm going to give myself as much time as I want, and I'm going to live luxury just the way I want it. Be it walking the roads of Delhi with ten bucks in my pocket or sleeping till 2pm and then waking up to sleep again.

Good luck to all you 10 and 12th graders with Boards.. They'll be over soon :)

Now playing: Take five, Dave Brubeck. (the track is legendary)

And now, I shall go watch as many movies as I want and dance around the house like a total retard. (:
And all of you guys out there, let go for a while, breathe free, and smile to what you want to be.
(I didn't intend on the rhyming bit)

- A hope to a much brighter day,
Nil.

One of those evenings..

Today's evening was one of the quiet ones. After a long long time, I had some time alone, without anyone coming up to me or a million phone calls.  I decided not to sit on the internet or study. I switched on the computer, and put on a real old play list.. It had been such a long time since I'd heard Advaita's hamsadhwani or mere yaar.. It had been ages since I last sang out loud to Hey Jude and Yellow submarine..Let it be.. 

Aaah..what sweet memories. Even today, there lies that virgin innocence in those tunes that remind me of clouds of thoughts, days, hues of conversations :)

Sigh.. it was one of those evenings.. 

Signing off.. 
Nil.

As the dhaak starts playing.

It starts in early September... when the naked play grounds are slowly dressed with bamboo skeletons of pandals that end up looking so magnificent, and find themselves frozen and captured in photographs for people to cherish.. when those cultural programs start in Shiv Mandir, with competitions of all sorts... when all of us friends go and waste hours and hours in the late evening listening to absolutely rotten karaokes and "classical dance" by "ladies of the colony" which is actually nothing but moving hands and legs uncoordinated with nervous looks spilled across the stage.. but we all still go, and be a part of it. Because it marks the beginning of a celebration.. A celebration that compels people to look around wide eyed at the grace that each and every idol has, even when it's not adorned in costly banarasi saris and stands of bare soil with that sweet smell of hard work and skilled labor. 

As mohaloya dawns, the familiar songs buzz in every radio of C.R.Park, and around Delhi... when the chills set in on everybody's back.. Durga pooja's a finger away. It never bothers me to wake up at 4am and sing infront of the whole colony, all those typical mohaloya songs.. because that excitement in the air is never more evident than that morning of melody.

As pooja starts, food isn't cooked at home anymore, and the stalls in every pandal earn crazy loads of cash. There's some or the other artist singing every evening, or some dance troup dancing to entertain the super enthusiastic bongs and non bongs. The organizing committee guys deck of with the flashiest of clothes and sit in their little cubicle looking like the dudes of the freakin' world, and look like they're giving away noble prizes when they give away residential passes to us xP

The volunteers of my age are complete dogs. They wear the badge to have chillout sessions while distributing bhog (it's an amazing experience, just fyi. I loved doing it) and to get free entry and food to the pandals. And to basically look important :P 

And omg the bongs......... Silk clothes are IN. Okay. Trust me when I say it. Everybody wears silk, and ethnic wears, and look all amazing. [Umm, ok not everyone] but most of them anyway! 

All of us teenagers have cash on us, for a change :D and we eat like pigs. Hog. Literally.

Chairs are pulled and groups of friends and family sit in circles to enjoy the day, with food, music and ofcouse, the idols they adore completely. Everybody crowd around in the evening for the aarati and the dhunochi dance which is just gorgeous and perhaps theee most beautiful part of the day. {Didn't do it this year :( } The roads don't have cars, they have long  threads of people, and crazy lines with people chattering and clicking photographs on self timers. 

As dashami rolls by, people get sentimental. The ladies go for shidoor khela, and rest of the people join in around afternoon to watch all the trucks take away the idols for Visarjan... that's a celebration of it's own, when all of us dance like maniacs and scream "Aschey bochor, abar hobey!" which means "Poojas shall be back next year".. the dhak plays at it's best, with people doing their last minute prayers as they see the face of the gods and goddesses fade away as the trucks gather speed. 

 

Slowly everyone wishes everyone Shubho Bijoya , stuff sweets into each other and hug like maniacs.. And draw alponas in the entrances of their homes.. slowly people start updating their statuses on facebook about how awful they feel and how much they miss poojas already.. and the thousand comments on the newly uploaded Pooja albums...... 

Sigh.

It sure is a celebration. A celebration which is so close to my heart, that as they say-- I don't cry that it's over, but I smile that it happened. (Modified,yes)

This year's pooja, like every year gave me few of the most amazing memories.. ever. 

Durga pooja can never loose its charm,

cause that sweet beat of the dhaak always echoes somewhere in my heart, and makes me smile to the wait, that's always worth it :)

Shubho bijoya! 

-- Drum beats,

Nil. 

Boom boom boom para! :)

It's 1:14am in the morning, and no I'm not sleepy at all. I was listening to Shaam- the song, from Aisha. Please listen to it, it's one of those songs that make you smile.

I was reading this other blog..where a girl was describing her birthday, and how her mum used to bake pies for her, and she used to run around the house, waiting to cut that and blow the candles..
And it took me back to my thirteenth birthday...and the birthdays before that..
Oh they used to be parties, alright! The whole house used to be brimming with kids, of all sizes :P Short, tall, skinny, healthy.
I used to be in my special birthday girl outfit which used to be either very blue, or pink, or white. :) Getting ready for my "birthday party" used to be a task! All my girlfriends and I used to be locked into my parent's bedroom, dressing up, and putting lip gloss which used to be such an accessory back then :P
hehe.. and once the party started, oh boy the dancing! My friend Asmita used to always get the hit songs, [god our obsession with "All rise" and "one love" haha!]. And we used to have the craziest of games, with the widest of grins, sweaty red faces cause of all the dancing. Oh the picture sessions mom and dad used to do... come up to our terrace party and click pictures of all of us, and we'd all learnt the "Yo" sign [which later, I realized after 2 years meant "Devil's horns :P], so we used to pose with that in maximum of the pictures.. and all my friends would want to stand next to me, just cause I was the birthday girl :)
After the long hours of dancing and games that involved mud and water [yes, I'm serious :) ], my mom would finally come and announce dinner. The whole family would join, and the feast would begin!
The food was usually lots of Bengali stuff.. my friends absolutely adored the menu.. most of them were non-bengalis, so for them, mustard fish was heaven :P
And once our dinner was over, we'd all sit around in a circle, and chat. Chat about the most important things in the world, about what the other teacher in the XYZ section said to the ABC kid. And how the last birthday party in Mc.Donalds was so much. And how all of us had "grown up" so much..... :P
And then we'd quickly shift to the topic of return gifts :D (yes, we were grown up 11 year olds..) .... After hugging all my friends goodnight, as they left, I'd look at my sister with a naughty smile, andddd.......

Gifts!!!!!!! 


Hahaha.. my sister and I would sit in my parent's bedroom, and open up all my presents, and go Oooohh and Aaaah on the goodies.. God, the excitement was crazy!
My sister is about 9 years older to me. That never mattered,though. She used to be equally excited, and we'd both decide what I'd do with which gift.
And I used to look forward to her gift the most.......and till date, her gifts are still the best ones I've ever received. :)

As I grew up, my ways of celebrations changed. Now my birthdays don't usually have a crazy party with tiny motu kids and parents running around the house. Now we usually go out to eat like crazy, and have a nice time with pizzas/coffees/whatever. It's still a lot of fun.
But this 16th birthday reminded me a lot of how my birthdays used to be originally.. and nothing can beat that :)
There was so much innocence in the way we in our 11 year old selves danced to "Bunty or bubbly" the hit then, or all of us shoulder to shoulder going right and left on "All rise". Those memories are old.. those memories are so much of baby fat!... and those memories are, and always will be the ones that would find me when I'm listening to happy songs, for these are the memories that are a series of sepia colored photographs in the album of my mind. And they're always going to nudge me whenever something turns up infront of me, that somehow, somewhere joins hands with those memories.
And oh these somethings are everything around us-- songs, chessboards, the telephone, that crumpled letter that lies in the back of your wardrobe, the scribbles in the back of your notebook, the people around you, and yourself :)

make a memory today :) 




-nil. 

I remember this girl..

I remember this little girl.. this girl with pigtails and fringes falling on her forehead. With cute little frocks, and an evergreen mischievous smile.

I remember this tomboy.. arm wrestling with the boys of the class, scaring each and every soul as the "Gundi" of our class.

I remember this rebel... fighting with all the teachers and putting fried cockroaches with me in our particular rival's English book.. almost dying in fits of laughter when our mission was accomplished, looking at that girl scream her lungs out in class. Yes,nobody messed with Us.

But alas,
I only have a memory. A memory of what she used to be. A memory of someone I used to know.
That little girl hasn't come back, for quite a while. She hasn't come back, home. 

I remember this girl smiling at me with childlike innocence and mischief glinting in her eyes.. Those eyes are now bloodshot with alcohol screaming in them, and that girl... that girl is now soiled under short dresses and high heels.


(A post, for a lost someone)

-Nil.

Yeah loser, it's your birthday!

Since two years, I've crossed all limits of being the epitome of crazy retardness with a partner in crime. She used to be The new girl  back in 9th grade, when she joined our section for the first time. Then we became seat partners [as kindergartenish as that sounds] then slowly aquaintances, friends, to closest of buddies.

I never thought we could belong to the same world. There was something in both of us, that was so different and poles apart. To gel those two different equations was to over rule one of them. Both of us were strongly opinionated, so there was no question of being submissive. Her take on things were quite different to what I might have done, my out-going, 24/7 laughing-self was something that was way different to her- sober in her own world.
But I guess that's where fate's mythical existence pokes its way in, and twists and turns everything you and I might have figured as a future. With time, we started bonding. With time, I started realizing that she's not even half the person I thought she was, and vice versa. With time, I realized that her friends weren't that different to what I relate to as "friends". And slowly, they were my pals,too.

Everything takes time. Our friendship did,too. I figured our tastes matched a lot, I realized that she can be crazier than me and even more wild! I experienced the fun of have THE MOST pointless and cracking up-ly funny conversations on the back of notebooks during History class. I cherished laughing out loud with her at the lamest of jokes some porn-addict in our class cracked. I felt the excitement of looking forward to school,to meet friends, and enjoy those 6 hours that were apparently called schooling hours. 
We figured, we were so similar   brain twins. 

And I must admit, as freaky as that can get, it can be good fun,too.  We've had our share of issues, and I'm hell sure they're tonnes more to come :P But hey, we stick our way through it, right? That's how it gets better and better with every fight ;)

So here's to you, Remya Raj. It's been a joy ride, these two years. You've helped me discover and over come a lot. You've helped me find a trust in people. You've helped me figure, that it's not always about how screwed up things are, but how we un-screw it.
I'm glad WE happened :)

Happy Birthday, babe. 

Here's a toast, for my closest pal.

God bless you.

:)

 
-Much much love,
your only retarded friend,
Bongo.

28th June, 2010.

Shillong :)

So after a whole year's planning and phone chats, and emailing, finally, my trip to Shillong happened.
It was supposed to be a runaway from the Delhi citylights ,the honking, the PHONE and people.. And it did, in it's true sense.
I still remember the first day, my sister and I met at the airport and i went ;
"Dude..my phone, it isn't catching the signals here, sucky network in the airport'eh?"
"Err.. babe pre paid Vodafone doesn't work here in North East"
:|
:|
:|
"WHATTTTT!!!!!!"

So after quite a drama queen like scene at the airport itself I settled back, sanely. [Liar,much!] We had a long trip from Guwahati to Shillong, nicely caught up on sleep, chatted, looked around Shillong..and then got home :)
The next day my sister and I were on for a movie marathon, so we pretty much were glued to the screen for about 14 hours, YES 14 FREAKING GALLOPING HOURS!
Everyday in the morning, the only thought that came to our head was "So how do we waste our time today?!" :D ... We were busy doing nothing at all, all we did was shop like crazy, movies, walking, smiling at the whole bunch of greenery around us and have fun.. :)

Shillong felt so much like home.. My sister, Raima and I spoke till late nights, we caught up on everything that had been up in our lives... it rained every two hours [!!!!] and well.. what can I say? ... It was bliss.

I visited family, and another sister of mine, Stuti.. We guys went for movies, shopped, and were busy being random about everything =D
Soon, that visit came to an end..

With not even a shout of drum rolls, 11 days flew by and then came the last day.
The day went by pretty normaly, but there was one thing that made me stop and think and look again.
It was 4am in the morning, and I was standing on the balcony and what I see is a range of black mountains running covered with the silvery of clouds in it's silhouettes. The wind blew ferociously, and I pretty much froze where I was and looked in awe.

It's true that Shillong changed me.
I realized, These 11 days weren't just about shopping and movies. These 11 days gave me a much awaited space, and a disconnection from people that I needed. I got time to sit idle. I got time to just think about a yellow ladybird I saw sitting on a wall. I got time to think about stuff I had left back in Delhi.
I got time to waste time.
I got time. A lot of it. 

Now I'm back, back in the heat. Back in the honks, the busy roads, and the star less sky at night.
But I still remember the little trivialities about life in a small town, and I can't help but smile, cause I got what I needed.
I got my break, and now I'm ready to kick some ass!! ;)

So you guys take care, and go get your break!;)

Some random pictures for you to have a look at- :)

Random Shillong.

Raima and Me :) 

Much love.

-Nil.

Time. And it's rendevous.

Now playing- Layla, Eric Clapton.

After listening to this song, again after about a year, I figured how much I missed it. And I found a completely different newfound energy rushing its way through me, that ditto feeling I had when I heard it a year back. Some things never change :)
It's almost like I can see the person I used to be a year back when I hear this song, I wasn't anything drastically different, but I can see there were things missing then, which are nicely and accurately placed into my canvas of life, today.

The song made me happy. It made me celebrate. It made me sing. It made me find a friend. What more can I say? :)

Time travels pretty much at the speed of light..We travel faster, hence we never quite realize its speed :) When I saw this old oldddd album in a friend's Facebook profile today, I almost laughed at those good times, they truly were good good times!  I was euphoric when I realized that over time, I met people, I changed, the world around me changed, and yet at those moments when fate twists it, we sit in a rendevouz with it, we can clearly see what we left behind, yet- they complete our existance,and were somehow never actually left behind.

So many people were strangers, two years back- Now, they're friends - maybe closer :)
So many were trusted friends, two years back- Now, they're strangers- maybe worse.
So many places were unknown and foreign, back then- Now, they're almost home :)
So many places were home back then- Now, they're foreign.

Today seems to be a rendevouz. And I'm having a good time remembering those times and moments, when life seemed oh so perfect -that make life truly imperfect,today- And I'm happy :)

For old time's sake,
a rememberence,a picture- of a time that still is one of the bests of my lfe ;)

- Much much love and memories,
Nilanjana.
:)

Monsoons.

After a long long time, I smiled the moment I stepped out of my place in the evening. The weather almost seemed to be laughing with nice cool winds blowing here and there. The sky seemed to be in a blanket of a silvery of clouds shading the earth beneath it. And making people realize that monsoons are on it's way.

Hi guys, I know I know it's been ages and centuries since I last updated.  But I haven't really had the time. School's a rush with competitions and friends. I like it tonnes! Like, it's almost like I'm finally doing what I wanted to. My teachers for his grade are pretty good.. And well, I like my class :)

So back to where I was, MONSOONS  are coming! If you don't know already, they're my favorite part of the year. As cliched as it sounds, I'm crazy about the rains! The downpour and the sounds of the pitter-patter on the window.. Everything gets lush green, and there's a different smell of freshness all over the city! And  I see kids wearing raincoats in the morning looking all excited, dirtying their newly polished shoes in the crack of the day. The wide smiles that those lil kindergarten kids give with their tiny selves all wet, their hair sitting flatly on their foreheads and their eyes expressing awe and wonder on an apparent phenomenon that "he up there" did. And that very faith makes them shut their eyes tightly at night with folded hands praying hard for all the oh so important things around them :
"Please keep mommy and daddy happy"
"Please please please make mommy buy me the red car that the thin boy in my class has"
"Please god, tell mommy not to make me eat broccoli in the morning :( " 
"God please keep everybody happy and oooh I want a pink barbie dress for Christmas! Tell Santa please okay god?! Good night God :) "

This faith ^ is monsoons.. The fact that after a dry, drab time of sweat, the sun, the heat, or the sheet of winters... The heaven right up above the zenith shall give us our little play time  in between the on going classes of Life. 

And during this play time, we forget our wrinkles, our medicines, our home work, our PPT  presentations....... And dance around in this game of faith, blessing each drop making it's way from the clouds and kissing us smiles and happiness.. 
:)

Happy On-the-way-Monsoons, all of you guys!

- Much love,

Nil. 

Class Tenth.

Usually, all that we hear about class tenth is 12 months of slogging, 14 hours of studying a day, crazy teachers, peer pressure, competetion, deciding factor, no fun, battles, cry, fear, books, books,books.

ADVICE : Stop listening :)

Cause, I can swear and scream that class 10th has been one of the best years of my freaking life. Although I'm not done with even a quarter of my life,yet. But whatever. I'm 15,and I'm allowed to sound big :P

Class 10th started with a note of sincerity and anxiety. I remember crying the day before my first day cause it dawned on me that stepping into class 10th is a huge milestone,and crossing it will be crossing one..[I've always been a bit too over emotional :| ]
I made a history copy for the first time in my life. I wrote all the notes down,my copies were up-to-date.
Checked.
End of first month-- "Hey! Where did my history copy go again!?" 
:D
I was back to myself with all my friends. That doesn't mean being careless about studies or whatever, but you know, just being us :)
We all scored brilliantly in our first round of exams. We remained high in the joy of those exams when the next round rolled in and our answer sheets came.
Uhm. Shit. Need to start studying.


Then....exams came and went. Our retarded school started kissing us with godknowhat kind of exams..
French classes were a ball.
Nobody studied, it was a class we guys looked forward to, Abida ma'ammmmm! We love you! :)
Math classes ; "Uh...remya...wtf is this again?!"
All SST classes; Remya and my chats on the back of notebooks.
"You're going to loose your love life like Chandragupta"
"You're such a Durgacharan!"
English; There is nothing , absolutely nothing  as much fun as mocking our darling Mathur who hates us with the core of her heart :) it's a mutual feeling :)
Science: Everybody studied. Not.
Ved Prakash was our baap.
"Yes...Tum, batao, explain inertia!"
Atreyi: *grabbing the chalk* *making a random drawing on the board* Sir! you seee......
JUST SIT DOWN!!! Stupid girl!!
Not to forget Remya's sincere notes-taking xD
Bio: Kusum Gaur believed Biology was a way of embarrassing girls and boys about their bodies.
Uhm, Shall not comment any further. :|
Chem: Anuradha sen Ma'am \m/
Computer: Swati ma'am :D

All in all, there were teachers who hated us. There were those who loved us so much that they practically got us out of shit.
I will never forget :
1. Remya's -- Chhhhoooootttiiiiiyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaa
2.Our class bunks in the library. Yeah,we can be very sad :|
3.Monica's chirpy self
4.Megha's: Kyaaaa yaaaaaaaaaaar :(
5.Shreyansha and our regukar fights and patch ups :P
6.Not studying :D
7.Rob and Joy's crazziinneeess
8.Boo-ing the 'wanna-be's' of our class.
9.Lunch breaks.
10.Chilling at X C like we own the class.
11.Kartavya and I -The 'Shyamak' group :P
12.French classes :D
13.Charu and my intellectual chats inbetween classes.
14.Atreyi's retarded self. "Remmmyyyaaa!!! NILAAANNNJJJAAANNNAAAAAAAA!!!!"
15.Qutub minar and minara's sluttiness :|
16. Kathi and Katha's loser loweee.
17.Raghav's nymphomaniac self  --- "We want porn!"
18. Nitin: Following Raghav's footsteps.
19.Mohit: "Yaar dekh Nilanjana..English mein bachaliyo yaar.....!!!"
20.Bitching about Mathur. ##$%#^#$##$!!!
21.Giving Srishti looks.
22.Hiding from Abida at every copy submission.
23.Cursing sangeeta Batra when made to sit on the floor :|
24.Omg, FRENCH AT REMYA'S!! :P
25.My close friends in class 12............. Miss you guys!

And the list goes on............... :D

Class 10th has brought in friendship,love,hate,and all sorts of feelings. I became a published author in July, a milestone I still smile at. My friendship with some people has deepened into oceans...and with some,they've strayed lost and scattered as the wind blew.
My achievements and failures-both-taught me to work hard,and always hold a vision about things. 10th has taught me that no matter what the world says,for being a success,my original thoughts are the key and not what the others say.
I've discovered sides of me,and so have my friends.
I've fought when my friends were hurt by anyone, and they've done the same. I've made bonds with so many teachers which will remain.
Most of all,
I've learnt that even if the whole world says something is scary,and distasteful,
that very thing might just turn out to be the  most colorful and vibrant existent in your life.
People feared me about class 10th,
but today,I'm over what they say. And no matter how the results turn out, class 10th will be one of the most cherished and memorable years of my life.

The day before the French Board. Yes,We were studying :)

Laughs and love!
Signing off....
Nilanjana.

To let go?

The school gate closed behind me.
It was the last day,I'd ever wear a uniform and have the green gate to welcome me. Remya stood in front,anxious and prepared for a sudden breakdown. Alijah was consciously kidding around, trying to ease the tension of warring thoughts in everybody. Kartavya,trying his best, to look away and smile every time a tear threatened to escape.
I stood there,looking at the abnormal chatter, the curse-less jokes, the nervous laughs from Charu and Shreyansha, the forced laughs and pats, as a fresh layer of tears blinded my horizon.
I blinked it away, turned back and stared at the gate. The Guard gave me a smile, he liked me as a kid.
My report card,bent in the pressure of my fingers, and the tiny form in it- My immigration form. 

Those flashbacks of Remya and I dreaming of Hollywood and Beverly Hills, and of anywhere abroad... Kids that we were... those countless number of times when we wished a life away from the roofs of India, and those careless jokes about going away.
All the words and conversations started buzzing in my ear, my eyes couldn't focus and my body-a vegetable.
Monica caught me just as I was about to slip, I shock back to the world around me; "I'm fine." 
I said,as my friends rushed towards me.

My parents were waiting in the other side of the road in  the car. My bags packed. Our bags packed.

"You gonna be fine babe?" Remya asked, fear reflected her glassy eyes.
"Yeap."


Was this really happening? Was I leaving for good? After 15 years of these guys, do I leave all this behind, and embrace a new place,a new nationality? What am I without these people? What am I without the laughter,the jokes,the love,the empathy,the honesty and being of these people?
Was this worth it?

My father honked.
Kartavya started crying. Right in front of me; "You don't know what you're doing man. You don't"
I didn't. And I said that to him.


I looked at these friends,one last time. I tried to see through,and feel the love and warmth that each one of them emitted for me. But I knew I wasn't strong enough to cater the needs of my heart by a memory of the eyes of each.
I knew,I wasn't strong enough to let these guys know,that I'd miss them and cry bitterly for them. I wasn't strong enough to let these guys know,that I was leaving for good, and this was the last time we were standing together- ever. Life would do us apart the minute I sat on the plane.
Cause I knew,that I wasn't strong enough to start a new beginning with memories from the past that'd tear my heart  in and out to go back to those moments,and freeze in them forever.

I sat in the car,
and looked back with endless cold tears on my face,looking at these bunch of people who bid me goodbye. Who loved me,even though I had decided to be blind,deaf and dumb to that love from now on.

When I landed on the Berlin airport,
I smsd Remya ; "There's no way,I'm letting go off you guys. See you next summer,babe."


----------------------------
When people give you love unconditionally and never ask for you to return it, your heart rests in peace only after that love is returned and held on to,for the rest of your life.
Letting go,isn't that easy. And at times,no matter how ardent the thought is, you figure that the weakness in you becomes the strength to hold on, forever, and ever in life....

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~********************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**************

DISCLAIMER: I am very well here,very much in India. This post is purely fictitious. Real names of my friends just helped me feel myself in those imaginary shoes :)

A blissful celebration :)

Hi.

I'm sorry haven't updated in a while,but it's been busy. So, today I got my admit card for the Boards.. I might sound absolutely crazy when I say this,but to a normal student this day should be a doom day? If not more. Cause getting the Admit Card gives you the green signal to enter an alien school,sit in an unfamiliar, uncomfortable bench and write an exam that is one of the most valued-through out your life.

But somehow,my neurons didn't seem to register that. They royally ignored the fact that this coming exam would be like crossing a mile stone in my life, or that there are people out there waiting for me to do well..None of that. Instead,I felt happy.

[This is the part where you trigger the gun]

My class teacher--the very one I hate- made me sign the documents and gave me my admit card along with the Apeejay Badge. She stuffed in curd and a sweet into my mouth and recited the same dialogue that she recited to all the other 47 kids- "Do well haa beta? You'll do very well!" and then she added a "Keep up with the writing,haa,Nilanjana!" to me. 

I knew she was waiting to get into her car,get home and take a nice hot bath. And that she didn't care a damn to what I wrote,and yet, I smiled. I liked what she said. 

[This is the part where you shoot me.]

So after that,I went to the staff room,to get some Astronomy stuff from a teacher who apparently went maniacal looking for me through out [In my friend,Suvriti's lingo]. And when I went, there were teachers who called me and wished me luck, and 2 of the Bengali teachers looked like they'd kiss me if they could to wish me luck. Remya's mom was a sweetheart,to me. Even the man-looking lady teacher [New lady,I have no clue who she is] wished me luck with a hearty smile and a half hug.

And Thennnn,came one of the people who I actually bother school for- Suman Anand ma'am. 

If you're new to my blog,let me tell you that she is the teacher who discovered my writing in lesson answers and spelling punishments. You can read her contributions in my life by reading  this and then this  .

Few weeks back I had given her a poem to read.. So today,she starts with; "You know Nilanjana...At times I wonder,how some people can just reflect so much about their thoughts and the depth of the world at such a tender age..." and then another kind teacher,Mrs.Amita Jaisingh  said "She really does have a powerful flair of writing you know!" and then the two teachers started appreciating my poem with me melting in blushes. But you know guys,no matter how funny and embarrassing these things might be,today once again I've realized that I truly am blessed to have known such teachers in my life,who're silent most of the times,but speak up when you need encouragement the most. Suman Anand ma'am hugged me,and said; "no matter what you do,where you go,or where I am,I need you to keep in touch with me and keep writing...Keep writing because you're gifted and I might not be here next year,but keep in touch to let me read your writing!"

I feel blessed yous. I truly,truly feel blessed. 

Today,I celebrate my bliss and my gratitude to all those teachers and yes,my school which has helped me acquire heights that I could only dream off. These teachers have made me dream,realize,and execute.

Here's to you, Suman ma'am.

:)

With the pencil,you have not only taught me a subject...You've taught me love,compassion,music,art,the world,and myslef. Love to you,ma'am.

All my love

-The girl who had a terrible handwriting and made spelling mistakes :P