Eve of 19.

My 18th year was going to end with the end of this blog, because I firmly believed that all good things came to an end. And it was best that way, for it left you with the prime of every feeling, and not the remnants of those feelings fading away.
But a rather wise friend convinced me otherwise. And perhaps, she's right. Because I was holding on to this blog for the same reason, all this while; it's the one constant proof of my life to have never waited for all the happiness and chaos. It just went on, and you all saw, along with me. And perhaps, that's what gives us all hope to realize everything passes; every day, no matter how downtrodden or euphoric it may be... passes. And you live through it, don't you? In fact, you cherish most of it. You not only cherish, but you goddamn love most of it. And the bits that you'd rather not say... pass. And you grow, because each and every emotion, each and every thought, each and every blink, and each and every broken smile pealed another layer off you. It revealed some more of you, to the world, but most importantly; you saw yourself even clearer, you were just that much stronger, standing tall.

You ought to unfurl. You ought to wither away. Because only then, would you have gasped for some air, and only then.. would you have breathed.

Here end the first 18 years of my life, and I'm breathing because I'm on my own, and I'm good.
Year 18, you were the longest and the most entwined road I could ever choose. But I'm glad you happened, because you spelled one thing out for me, for sure; that one phase of my life is over, and the one that's about to come will be that much crooked. And I better twist and turn along, to make myself exactly what I want to be made of. I'm glad you happened, because you spelled out disappointments in a way that no other year has ever, for which I'm ready to appreciate every bit of happiness that decides to show up.

It's important to be happy, it's important to be happier, and it's important to be happiest; but what is absolutely crucial, is to be happy. :)

Happy birthday, to me.
I hope I get a New York cheesecake.

-Nil. 

Happy Birthday you Mantal The Bwoyyy!

I'm writing this because I want to. Because you did what you do best for my birthday,and so I plan to do the same. Write.

I've never written anything for you,cause it's always been very retarded and macho little tactics by which we expressed our care and concerns for each other, but today I can't help but tell you honestly just how amazing you are. And just how strong a hand you've been when my feet were feeble and vulnerable.

We've known each other since we were in our diapers, when rattles and teddy bears were cool. (They never were for me,though). Then came the time when we were still toddlers,new to Nursery school, sharing the same bus stop right outside your house when we (okay,I) used to cry when the bus got late. I still remember how beautiful Autumn looked in that bus top of ours :-) Back then,the end of the world were crayons and plasticine clay,when every little boy and girl in school would roam around cutely holding hands and teachers wouldn't have a problem with them. (What shit man? that's where it all bloody starts from!) Then came the Phase of Grade 1-4 when every boy hated every girl and wanted to rip each others throats off for the others' existence.  Then came Grade 5-8 when the awkwardness decreased and the opposite sexes at school started appreciating (and enjoying) each others company, and then came Grade 9-12. When there were best friends, romances, fights, pairing, jokes, nostalgia- ALL around school.
But the strange part is, in all these years of various phases, we've been around somewhere, lurking near each other making our presence very subconscious. We lived our lives in very different ways, met very different people, had insane experiences and walked with parallel but different thought processes.. But haven't we been around,all the time? :-)

The perpetual Ice Creams you keep hiding in my letterbox to cheer me up, the annoying habit of  keeping your phone on Silent Mode, the eye-roll you give me every time I say "Robeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenn...." indicating I had the most dangerous plan in mind which you'd eventually have to join, the way your solution to every problem is "Let's go grab a beer at Spinz", the late night sneak outs for Chicken Lolipops, hitting the mall at 9:30 am to just watch a movie, the way you stand in the corridor every morning in school and peek nervously at me when I enter to check if I'm on my Blues or not and then laugh cause I always am, and the 'Macho' way you try to act when I get all senti, and your absolutely EPIC msgs when you're drunk.
.....and most recent of all, and definitely the one memory that'll never fade- the way you quietly came and sat next to me on the aisle during COHESION when my group didn't win.
I need you to know, that you've been one of the few faces that have honestly helped me sail through like a breeze when times and people tried to break me down.

I need you to know that what I have with you are the memories that make me smile every time I hit a dark mood, and honestly, I thank my stars for having such a retard like you around who'd calm me down when I'm hyper and frantic (which is actually all the time.) You've been an amazing friend. A friend I can never do without.
I could write a whole hundred pages and that wouldn't be enough of the crazy times we've had together and as you say- 'Our Epicness with a Hat and a Feather' won't end.

 Happy Birthday,Rob.
This one's for you.. Cause you were there when most left.

haha remember this crazy night?

-Love always,
"Mantal The Chashmeesh the Gurlzz" :-P

P.S- Bas bohot bhao de diya, ab corner mein jake tatti karle. ;)

Boom boom boom para! :)

It's 1:14am in the morning, and no I'm not sleepy at all. I was listening to Shaam- the song, from Aisha. Please listen to it, it's one of those songs that make you smile.

I was reading this other blog..where a girl was describing her birthday, and how her mum used to bake pies for her, and she used to run around the house, waiting to cut that and blow the candles..
And it took me back to my thirteenth birthday...and the birthdays before that..
Oh they used to be parties, alright! The whole house used to be brimming with kids, of all sizes :P Short, tall, skinny, healthy.
I used to be in my special birthday girl outfit which used to be either very blue, or pink, or white. :) Getting ready for my "birthday party" used to be a task! All my girlfriends and I used to be locked into my parent's bedroom, dressing up, and putting lip gloss which used to be such an accessory back then :P
hehe.. and once the party started, oh boy the dancing! My friend Asmita used to always get the hit songs, [god our obsession with "All rise" and "one love" haha!]. And we used to have the craziest of games, with the widest of grins, sweaty red faces cause of all the dancing. Oh the picture sessions mom and dad used to do... come up to our terrace party and click pictures of all of us, and we'd all learnt the "Yo" sign [which later, I realized after 2 years meant "Devil's horns :P], so we used to pose with that in maximum of the pictures.. and all my friends would want to stand next to me, just cause I was the birthday girl :)
After the long hours of dancing and games that involved mud and water [yes, I'm serious :) ], my mom would finally come and announce dinner. The whole family would join, and the feast would begin!
The food was usually lots of Bengali stuff.. my friends absolutely adored the menu.. most of them were non-bengalis, so for them, mustard fish was heaven :P
And once our dinner was over, we'd all sit around in a circle, and chat. Chat about the most important things in the world, about what the other teacher in the XYZ section said to the ABC kid. And how the last birthday party in Mc.Donalds was so much. And how all of us had "grown up" so much..... :P
And then we'd quickly shift to the topic of return gifts :D (yes, we were grown up 11 year olds..) .... After hugging all my friends goodnight, as they left, I'd look at my sister with a naughty smile, andddd.......

Gifts!!!!!!! 


Hahaha.. my sister and I would sit in my parent's bedroom, and open up all my presents, and go Oooohh and Aaaah on the goodies.. God, the excitement was crazy!
My sister is about 9 years older to me. That never mattered,though. She used to be equally excited, and we'd both decide what I'd do with which gift.
And I used to look forward to her gift the most.......and till date, her gifts are still the best ones I've ever received. :)

As I grew up, my ways of celebrations changed. Now my birthdays don't usually have a crazy party with tiny motu kids and parents running around the house. Now we usually go out to eat like crazy, and have a nice time with pizzas/coffees/whatever. It's still a lot of fun.
But this 16th birthday reminded me a lot of how my birthdays used to be originally.. and nothing can beat that :)
There was so much innocence in the way we in our 11 year old selves danced to "Bunty or bubbly" the hit then, or all of us shoulder to shoulder going right and left on "All rise". Those memories are old.. those memories are so much of baby fat!... and those memories are, and always will be the ones that would find me when I'm listening to happy songs, for these are the memories that are a series of sepia colored photographs in the album of my mind. And they're always going to nudge me whenever something turns up infront of me, that somehow, somewhere joins hands with those memories.
And oh these somethings are everything around us-- songs, chessboards, the telephone, that crumpled letter that lies in the back of your wardrobe, the scribbles in the back of your notebook, the people around you, and yourself :)

make a memory today :) 




-nil.