Pen pals and postcards.

For the first time in the last seven years did I skip an end-of-the-year post. Perhaps it's one of the first changes that 2015 decided to bring along, but hey, for those who are still listening- the happiest new year, my wonderful humans.
My old readers wouldn't be surprised to hear about my perpetual incapability of recalling the year that went by, but like each year- it left behind a feeling. 2014 was a year where I really brought my game on as far as competing with myself is concerned, it burned me out emotionally and physically but I feel like it straightened me out in ways that wouldn't have been possible in any other way. I had never realized the kind of distress love could bring, so there, that's one more thing I've seen- the realization that love has a side that could be immensely futile was perhaps the scariest realization of mine in the last 20 years, but I think I'm alright knowing that now.

2015 is going to be a year of aggressive amounts of getting work done. Yes, it's the year to be ridiculously productive. It's the year where I'm going to push myself to start laughing my ass off on nonsense again, of going on multiple breakfasts to my favorite cafe and read or doodle for hours. I think I sort of lost that 'spunk' somewhere. I think I lost it in trying to find it in other people, or even some times believing that others will induce that magic in me at some point. Mistakes. A whole lot of Berlin-Artparasites and long nights of Bukowski did me well, for they reminded me of the importance of being ridiculous. So basically this winter has too many solo escapades around the city as soon as my Uni applications are done (if I survive them, that is).

From the 2015 Letter Project :)

I've started this new project of sort for 2015. I've been typing letters on my typewriter and sending them out to people, just because. I feel like the lost art of letter writing is a horrible loss, and if sending out a letter to someone nudges them to start writing them once again- it's definitely worth the shot. So I have a long list of recipients and I'm terribly excited about this! If everything works out alright, I may even extend this project to you fantastic readers. I thrive for wonderful things like pen pals and postcards, so this year is about reviving those old habits.

How have you all been? Tell me about your year and plans that drive you. I wish you all the most wonderful year, go badshit crazy and make this the most memorable 12 months that change you, that make you grow and make you thrive. It's a wonderful life, and that's a cliche for a reason.

To those of you who emailed me wondering if I'm still alive- you guys are the best. I'll get back to you all real soon. Go make wonderful things happen for yourself, keep the happy vibes alright? :)

All my love,
Nil.

(P.s- fiction coming up, realy sooooooon.)

Musings of the last 31st.

Greetings, to the participants of the last day of 2013.

There you go, another year about to disappear into the winter sky and here I am, with my annual musings on the 365th day of the year.
And as usual, I'm frozen because I have nothing to write. That doesn't suspend the countless ups and downs that '13 went down with; it's my annual incapability to recall the year. All I can recall is a feeling. And it was perhaps.. not the most shiny year. But then again, my years have the principle of bipolarity that has to always be maintained. Thus, some the worst things along with the absolute best happened.

Although I'm usually swamped by a feeling of sadness when I end the year, this year however, I cannot wait for 2014 to get here already. And for the first time, I've decided on resolutions and I'm counting on my over competitive drive to maintain them.  (and kill me, eventually.)
The first one being, I've decided to write every day. Yes. Every single day. Even if it means 5 lines, so be it. But my black diary must be filled up by this date next year. I have realized that my horrible accounts of procrastination have made me regret the unproductive result of this year, and not having purpose is physically painful for me.
The second one being, to quit being the strangely reserved person that I've somehow managed to become over the past year. The reason for which being inexplicable. I have realized that I've surrendered to a nutshell as far as being thoroughly vocal about perhaps my feelings about the closest people in my life (which is ridiculous because that wasn't a practice I would ever consider in general.) And so, begins my resolution to start being a careless person again. I thoroughly miss it. I miss being absolutely maddening a person.


So there. I don't have much to say this year. I don't want to play around with emotional metaphors and similes, this new year post. I'd just like to take your leave now by wishing you a very happy new year. Tomorrow is a blank box with a teeny number on it, in the calender- do it right. :)

Much love and may y'all stay blessed.
-Nil. (:

P.S- and yes I want a cat. I REALLY WANT A CAT. 2014 ARE YOU LISTENING? or mom ?

Oh the unspeakable things.

"Oh if you knew what it meant to me,

Anywhere but here."

Hello, World.

It's already the 12th day of the year and not only has everything been racing its pace but I've been running along. College has been immodestly demanding of my time, starting 8:40 am morning classes to theater and Acapella rehearsals after college. By the time I'm home, I'm dead. I have no will or energy to argue or agree. I just like to retire to my space; a quiet dimly lit room, some good music and my laptop.

2013 is going to be the torch bearer of interesting events. The first two weeks have already proven my theory and thus, turned facts it is. But anyhoo, music has been keeping me sane. Lots and lots of music which I listen to, which makes sense and I keep all that sense bottled up inside me and try my best to not blurt it out to the world. Cause it'll only make sense as long as it stays with me. Most things turns unnecessary, as soon as they're peeled by the world, eh?

Book I'm currently binging on- My Friend Leonard.

Random winter-y picture from this week.

So the next few weeks are going to be crazy busy. The next ten days have lunatic hours of society practices, followed by the Lit Fest which I hope to head for this year, for sure. And then we have Comic Con coming up, for which, might I add, yours truly shall be volunteering. Should be fun. Free comics, goodies and friends to run around with. Works fine for me, for now. (OH, and free fruit beer. Jussayiiin'.)










 I'm currently obsessing over this song. It makes so much sense that it's pretty much overwhelming, to say the least. It's just the kind of mood I've been in, and it's just what's been in my head. It's almost like I spelled out everything I couldn't figure out to someone, and she made the song for me. Just like that. There y'go.
So yes, I've been shaking my head all evening and will continue doing so for the rest of the night about how a song can make so much sense. At the oddest time and in the oddest way. But then again, that's what songs do. They make you sing along, and I'm singing along, alright. Give it a shot, it may make sense to you, too.

(Courtesy: Vanta.)

So hopefully, there's going to be some fiction coming our way. I've been slightly stuck with a godzillion stories in my head and yet having a brain freeze when I get down to typing it out. Hopefully with it being Sunday today and me catching up on what I compromise on such nocturnal hours, I'll be able to come up with some more fiction labels. But first; sleep.

Good night, or good morning.
Much loving,
ole Nil. 

On the 366th day.

To the 366th day of 2012,

you're the only gap, the only thin line between what happened in the last 8760 hours, and what will happen in the next 8760 hours. You're the only manifestation of cognizance and expectation, now. You're the only source of remembering myself from yesterday and waiting for myself, tomorrow. You overwhelm me, a little. You overwhelm me because you're the only day of the year that makes me feel forgetful, inevitably; every year. I struggle to remember the little details that never seemed little enough at the time of being, and yet they flutter away to a very forgotten space of my consciousness today. The only difference is perhaps... that usually, I come around to remembering. Except, this year; I don't.

Apart from the obvious, this year feels like the kind I'd want to forget with coercion, and yet remember with all my heart and soul. This year started with a note of the perfect new year, however the 'perfect' did hit its ocean bed, not just once, but many a times. But then again, this year reached it's peaks too. This year pushed me just a little more to realize myself a little more, this year made me lose out on people and eventually find them by the end of it. They weren't lost, after all. Close enough, but not enough.
This year bought in people; oh yes, there were new faces. Blessed be the coincidence (or not),  but those faces were needed terribly in my hour count. Thank you, for walking in.

I wouldn't want to be unfair. Every year has its best hair days too, so did this one. This year's been one of the biggest milestones to achieving what I'd set out for; this year was me at my headstrong best. This year had me wandering, and yet not being lost. This year had me lost, and yet willing to wander some more. I don't want to mention each and every memory this time, like I usually do every year; simply because a certain primary element of those memories was missing most of the year. But then again, maybe next year's new year entourage post will have me quoting more memories than ever. But what matters is the feeling I have within me, right now. This year has tested me. It's seen me at my fragile best, it's seen me at my strongest. Things fell apart this year; I walked on to newer things, this year.

So there, 2012. On the 366th day of you, this is me still smiling for you. You had to happen. You needed to happen. You needed to happen just so I realized a few; very few but indispensable epiphanies that were knocking on my door, for a year now. You had to happen. You just had to.

Happy new year, World.


-Nil.

Shine On You Crazy Diamond.

"Can't a man just be happy?" was his answer to my risen eyebrow, questioning the abrupt subito smile of his, which had a question lurking somewhere in that crescent shaped happiness of his.  A question whose alpha was the night of celebration, the last night of the year. The night when every face had a haze of intoxicated wonder; of happiness, sadness, retrospect, nostalgia, regret, contentment. The night when the cause of each and every emotion felt could be found in the flirtatious sweet little nothings of the night, of that one person you somehow find in the confluence of so many people who cheer to every mistake and every hour of joy for the year that was.

The clock struck 12, and the world rose their toasts, embraced, some kissed, and some... sat in silence, and waited for the wishes to end, the year to start, and for something to begin.. Something, that came without a flag, without a warning. In his case, it was a song. And quite subtly, that song entangled me into its trance of thoughts which brew like quiet vapors of romance, of hushed smiles, and of sweet..very sweet denial.

The room was dark, all the light we knew was that of the shy remains of the Christmas tree, which glorified the shadow of an eyelash here, a frown there, and a smile hangin' in the whispered conversations and deep warm breathing of the other that sent ripples of goosebumps on my skin before it could recuperate from the one before. Fragments of conversations would be remembered the next day, which is why we gave in and let the alcohol speak, and counted on amnesia for the next day's laughs and winks.

If there was to be an hourglass for that night, it would be a weeping one. We'd make the sand stay clenched in between our fingers, we'd hold on till the last call of the pupil to beg for some slumber, we'd hold on till we could refrain the urge of floating into sweet unconsciousness, we'd hold on to time till we found its track again.
Hours sweeped, and our arrogant ignorance to it was never too appalling to the both of us. Ironic how the first sunrise of the year was ignored in pure bliss, perhaps because there was too much of warmth in the fluidity of words that brushed past the blushes on our cheeks ever so often.

The night ended, dawn cracked, morning peeled itself, bold rays of sunlight pinched our irises which still protested to stay unbolted, to be stared at, to be looked into.

And while the day took onto newer revelations...epiphanies from the last night flirted around the corners of our minds dancing to the quiet tunes of that one song... Shine on you crazy diamond.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And there y'go. First piece of the new year!
-Nil. 

2012, ahoy!

I was wrong. The last thing 2011 was, was unnecessary. It was as for me to step into the shoes of the person I am, today as for me giving winter a chance and just try and like it a tad bit. Keeping all the preaching, and philosophy away; 2011 was a year that slapped me in the beginning, caught me off guard (heh, understatement.) and jerked me back to the person I actually am.

2011 had everything a year could possibly fit in the calender. Love, hate, first timers, heart ache, anger, friendship (a gazellion tonnes at that), adventure, mad laughter, sloshed tears, memories with people least expected, good good times, coincidences, intentional actions, brewing romance, quiet tongue bites, a whole lot of self realization.


Of Memories: 
Hopped into a bus not knowing where it went, seen in a coffee shop alone with a map perked up my nose, wildest worldcup with a house full of boys, random weekend day outs with my favorite ladies,showing up at every exhibition in the city, Jeffry Archer Book launch with Rem, Delhi's Dhobighaat, first pool party ever,MENS FRIKKIN LOO, 8 day extended party with Raima, Remya showing up close to midnight on my birthday, Illegal Pahargunj with Vanta & Guina, library 'dates', nailing most competitions with Remya, Robin's birthday special with our hats, travelling around Delhi with my walking-talking lovebugs, BIG BANG THEORY and Masterchef loops at Robin's almost everyday at 1, Calcutta's Coffee House romance, jams with Maiden, Maggi at Shiv's, Roy's studio, Remya's text "I'll wait till New Years if I have to", every goddamn day at school,Shruti Di's birthday surprise, NEW YORK CHEESECAKE!,  writing like a lover, Joy's birthday, Rohan's Patiala jokes, morning blues at the school corridor,GAY conversations with the ladies, FRAPES, Singing 'Sweetie' on my birthday,CHA CHA night with Robin, walking in and out of Math class, weekend at sister's, screaming SINGLE IS SEXY, End Of School Bucket List, getting called to the Principal's office for getting into trouble- for a change, canteen march 'S*** P****!' with the girls and Chatur,27/7 coffee chills, evening Chai, showing up at Guina's before every practical exam with a sly grin, COOKING at Robin's kitchen like nobody's business, Robin's WHIPPED stunt, Orrisa First Timers, karaoke night with sisters, Aliya, SKYPE, back to back dinner and lunches with Neha and Sheks, partying like an animal at Chika's, randomly crashing Vanta's place anytime at the oddest off hours,email marathons with Mantah,tearing up diaries worth 6 years with Neha,CONTI, my poem making it to the Commendable Section for the Ruskin Bond Writing Competition,last solo performance in school.. *and counting. 


These weren't even half the memories, but the ones I could remember in a single go with five minutes in hand before I'm called to run my happy rear downstairs for a Bonfire with my humongous family which is very happy by the way, and Happy Bengali people means loud business. But I can't remember of any other year when I'd close my eyes and such a whirlpool of so many memories swirled in. This year had the middle name of Self Realization. It's been a year when I was on my own, completely; and I couldn't be more grateful. There were decisions, harsh ones.. but I bow down to the same old; it's happened for the best- Word.


So enter, 2012. I've experienced everything the last year could possibly be capable of... you, 2012 better be competition to all of that. I usually don't have any resolutions, most 31st Decembers are devoid resolutions for me. I make resolutions as the year kicks in, but this time... I have one.
It's to never give up on happiness for things that don't promise to stay. 
For that matter, to never give up on happiness at all.
For it's that one faith, that's going to be your saving grace :)


There are too many people who made this year so insane. Who held straight faces when I tried cracking the punchline of Pjs (which I suck at beyond infinity.), who kind of dragged me along every time I'd stop walking, who thought a pint of beer was a solution to every problem in life, who posted black gay hearts on my Facebook or sent me absolutely racist text messages just to crack me up and say Hi, who fought with me like cats and dogs and said the most hurtful things and ended up calling me up and going 'errr...so cold coffee today evening?' and vice versa, who made me coffee late at night just to make sure I didn't fall asleep with the book on my face, and just.. a lot of people who took care of me and stuck around in a way that was extraordinary. You all know who you are, I thank you, crazy people. I know I've been a retarded nut to handle :)

Happy new year, World.
Stay blessed and sing in the songs for 2012 ahoy! Let's get groooooooovy ;)

-Love love love, all you need is love!♥
Nil.


P.s- Come to think of it..... 2011 was rather kickass! 

Steppin' on 2011

Another five hours and kaboom!, we present you 2011. :)
So like every year, since 2008, I shall now write a farewell note to 2010 and welcome 2011. That's a little hard to do when you can't remember much about the year that went by, but at the same time, remember the slightest of things in the most intricate way possible. (Dear readers, I've stopped making sense) :)

Anyhow. The past year has been no exception to being a roller coaster ride. It had everything, starting from new experiences like the Boards, new people, new things, wants, ambitions, love,drifting apart, friendship, heart breaks, achievements, euphoria, epiphanies..
11th grade was supposed to be the year of adventure and self-realization, yada yada. Well all of that happened. Shit happened. A LOT of it. I was hardly in class the whole year, cause I was either out on a competition or up to something else. 11th grade taught me what's it like to actually fail a subject, and laugh about it. 11th grade initiated new friendships, fun, laughs, jokes, pet names.

Apart from school, year '10 has kicked some serious sense in to me. I figured it's useless screwing your head over things and people. It's just not worth it. At the end of the day we all are individuals with different lives, thoughts, and everybody wants different things. There's no point expecting a lot out of people cause you end up with disappointment. Not always, but that's where the difference lies. The expectations that have to be full filled will be, the one's which don't- there's not point screwing your day and head up for it.
I've learnt to chill. To be on my own, pay heed to things and people who pay heed me and be happy with life around me, and let it be.. Yeap, I sure have learnt to let it be. Things will work out if they have to, and if they don't- I've learnt to move ahead.

Like every year, I made good decisions, and bad ones. And like always, I don't regret them. None at all. Few achievements that  I made this year made me very very proud of myself, and I'm glad I could live up to my own expectations.. There was a point of time when I felt absolutely unworthy and untalented, but it was a phase and it's passed. I've learnt that at times, you need to figure out what you want, and not always worry about the rest of the world. It's not worth it, if it doesn't make you satisfied and happy. There's no point being sad and upset about some nagging thought or reason that keeps you dead and deprives you the adrenal of the living. Cause I swear, as the cliched goes, life's too short- you need to live it. Not for the world, but for yourself. People who have to stay will stay, forcing any body's presence won't etch that person in your book, it'll only erode the feeble remains of the good memories you might have made together. When something ends for the good, it's better to just close it with the final dot and treasure it as an experience that helped you grow and made you smile.

As the past year reflects on my mind, I'm so happy and content.. cause the people in it are the ones I always hoped for. Few people have been a rock solid pillar for me, through thick and thin.. They've truly helped me realize myself and the latent strength that was dormant in me. I've realized that there are some relations that'll never fade away....cause they're a part of what I am now, and they'll grow old with me :)

I might not ever be perfect, I'm not competing for it either. I'm flawed. I'm happy for what I am, and I hope to always toast a cheer to what a beautiful bokeh of colors my life is becoming with each and every second ticking by with the imperfection of perfect people, things, and the time- that's only running, but I'm catching up well with it :)

For those of you who're in my life and those who are about to enter in--- A very happy new year to all of you. It's been a joyride and it just becomes better and better with time, as you guys multiply and my entourage just grows bigger and brighter.
For those of you who aren't --- I wish you all the same, and good luck. And whatever the reason be for drifting apart, for the good or the worst- I am sure to miss you somewhere, some how, in some odd minute of the day :)

Cheers to all of you guys, and lets bring in 2011!

Much love,regards and well wishes,
Nil.