Flame fleeced.

History.
The one word that brings back ruthless, bold, unabashed flashbacks of you. And him. Or her. Or whoever. You must have loved, or you must have thought you loved. All of us do, all of us love the idea of falling in love. So getting back to the point; History.
We're often so sure about the concept of it being the past, that we often forget; once we see it staring at us in the present. You see that one face, and there, you find yourself thinking of what was. How you were, how this person staring back at you used to be, with you. You give yourself the liberty to feel appalled at how that face is the same, and yet nothing about it reminds you of the person it belongs to. Perhaps a crease or two more, on the forehead. Maybe some more impatience in them pair of eyes, than you remember. The lips could possibly be more dry, and the ears could seem naked because there isn't any hair sitting on them, hiding away their shapelessness.
And yet, you push your grounds by still considering that your faith on that face may be stronger than its appearance.

But as you blink a few more times and don't let the light leaks of your ridiculous faith blind you, you slowly realize that the face that once moved you so much is gone. The flame that burnt high and low, quivered on top but kept still to the wax...is gone. There's nothing that overwhelms you about that face anymore, there is nothing that makes you want to cry. The expression in your heart is smug. It wants to walk away, and carry on with the life you finally moved on with, in the absence of that face.
You feel like you're sitting on the other side of the window, and the only way you look at the other side is through an old, lace curtain. It flies around with the wind, letting you peek at the real thing once in a while, but it's hidden again, and it stays that way. And you realize, it's not hidden anymore, it's gone.

Flame fleeced. The remains of that blaze are nowhere to be seen around you, for they withered away with that side of you which became history, along with that person's departure in your life, once.

You realize, you slowly fell out of love. Because beyond a point, that face didn't love you back, and you couldn't love thin air, could you now? 

-Nil.

Eve of 19.

My 18th year was going to end with the end of this blog, because I firmly believed that all good things came to an end. And it was best that way, for it left you with the prime of every feeling, and not the remnants of those feelings fading away.
But a rather wise friend convinced me otherwise. And perhaps, she's right. Because I was holding on to this blog for the same reason, all this while; it's the one constant proof of my life to have never waited for all the happiness and chaos. It just went on, and you all saw, along with me. And perhaps, that's what gives us all hope to realize everything passes; every day, no matter how downtrodden or euphoric it may be... passes. And you live through it, don't you? In fact, you cherish most of it. You not only cherish, but you goddamn love most of it. And the bits that you'd rather not say... pass. And you grow, because each and every emotion, each and every thought, each and every blink, and each and every broken smile pealed another layer off you. It revealed some more of you, to the world, but most importantly; you saw yourself even clearer, you were just that much stronger, standing tall.

You ought to unfurl. You ought to wither away. Because only then, would you have gasped for some air, and only then.. would you have breathed.

Here end the first 18 years of my life, and I'm breathing because I'm on my own, and I'm good.
Year 18, you were the longest and the most entwined road I could ever choose. But I'm glad you happened, because you spelled one thing out for me, for sure; that one phase of my life is over, and the one that's about to come will be that much crooked. And I better twist and turn along, to make myself exactly what I want to be made of. I'm glad you happened, because you spelled out disappointments in a way that no other year has ever, for which I'm ready to appreciate every bit of happiness that decides to show up.

It's important to be happy, it's important to be happier, and it's important to be happiest; but what is absolutely crucial, is to be happy. :)

Happy birthday, to me.
I hope I get a New York cheesecake.

-Nil. 

LOVE that makes me LOL.

This is going to be one hell of an abrupt post and I tried delaying it being typed for as long as I could. But there's a particular thought that's been skirting around my mind for about a year now, and lately it's been rather persistent.

I'm not in a relationship. I'm happily single and have been a little too edgy about space issues since a while. So consider this an innocent question from a curious mind, and nothing else.

The world is full of people who are in relationships/commitments. Most of them claim to be in love and seem to quite enjoy everything there is to the mush, the concerns, the fights, their differences and similarities. Which is all fantastic, works and looks absolutely purrrfact to me.

But THEN, enter the specie of (*most of the) relationships I've been coming across ever since my head figured being unbiased. 

No giving/taking space.  (I can almost hear Sheldon go; "THE HORROR")

Most of the relationships I've been seeing around are of people my age, I admit. Thus such acts of immaturity are only natural, and one is expected to mature out of them as one grows up, right? But that doesn't help when I realize that I've also seen people much elder to me be in relationships and I hate to say this, they seemed pretty much the same :|  (Mental retardation, ladies and gentlemen?)

So here's my (sightseeing) experience after closely observing a few species of awesome relationships turned into absolute bird poop ones : 

So they are in/claim to love a person and all that. That's kick ass. They have their initial honeymoon period of 6 months-ish where everything she/he says makes the other flutter around like a (pink) bird (caaam on, a butterfly would make anybody cringe. Birds are chill.), they are more concerned about each other's health than their own doctor who they haven't bothered seeing since dinosaurs existed, they want to spend (almost) all their time together, they are both at their best behavior and compliment each other like they've been paid to do so, go out for dates complimented by gifts that become the proof of their eternal and perennially flowing lowe, and basically they become a big fat part of each other's existence (the kind of 'fat' SUMO wrestlers are. With their big butts that stick out and thus are humanly impossible to ignore.)

But THEN, the honeymoon period ends. They slowly unravel the careless sides of themselves, the arguments get harder to forget, insecurity/possessiveness nudges them in the ribs (each blow getting harder by the day, mind you), suddenly a habit that was cute turns into a mild irritant and then to downright annoying, and for the three cherries on the cake- all his/her faults and cracks that were (apparently) accepted by him/her with open arms need to now change, they take each other for granted like peanut butter and jelly, AND their separate spaces becomes the same. And with those ladies and gentlemen, sticks out the middle finger at your idea of your puurrrfaact boyfriend/girlfriend. In your face, lowerboy/lowergirl.

Now I wouldn't want to get into what happens further cause that just becomes ugly (you do not want to know. Rather I wouldn't want to remember, since I hope to be in a relationship and "find love" at some point of time.) 

So here's what. All I see now with certain couples who I thought were god sent :--

I see them criticizing each other (bickering like old couples who don't get any), avoiding fights because they're not bothered enough anymore (which sucks, by the way. Fighting like cats and dogs is beyond awesome. However when you decide to lay low and let the wind blow, you should know your relationship is going downhill and is worse off than a break failed car) , I see them talking to each other like they have dog collars of each other's names on them, I see them deciding what to/not to wear according to the other person (and they don't enjoy doing so,beeteedubs), I see them hanging/ not hanging out with people because of their better halves (which slowwwly kick starts the quota of regrets), I see them shrinking everything that they were and their potentials into a tiny little world inside themselves which revolves around the other person. 

They choose have to talk/ text/ meet the other person instead of sitting out in the sun and reading alone, or catching up with their friends who seem like strangers now, or listening to that one favorite playlist that used to be on loop once upon a time. 

They stop doing their own thing, you know? There is no "Me time" or a time when they don't have their stupid blinking phone around just to make sure they don't miss his/her call/text cause that would lead to a hundred questions later.

And thus my head screams at such exemplary lovebugs:
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? (apart from you turning into a blithering idiot.)

Whatever happened to your ideas, your choice of clothes/people/food/shows/hobbies? 

Why do his/her opinions matter so much? Rather, why do only his/ her opinions matter so much that yours learnt to take a pass? 

You're obviously taking the "two bodies one person" scene literally. 

If you don't even stand for what you were so perfectly for so many years of your life before this bugger came along, how is a relationship a thrill then? 

And also, this is definitely not love, bro. 

So that's that. I don't even see the point of this post, but the conclusion is that I'm really, really confused (and bored). Lately I've been seeing so many people act the exact way I described above that it's creeping the daylights out of me. Certain friends who were such vibrant individuals before act like teenage husbands and wives. 

Don't people need space anymore? Rather, have people forgotten to ask the other person to back off after a point and let them breathe in their own territory? Is 'compromising' the new synonym for forgetting yourself altogether and living somebody else's time table? 

But of course, I've also seen a bunch of couples who're pro at being magic together. Some of them being on blogger itself ;)  I've seen certain people who honestly make all the compromises, fights and stuff so worth it and pretty much improve themselves for the better, not transform themselves. I've seen certain couples who make me envy their level of compatibility, their ageless romance and perpetual spontaneous spunk that never dies!

But sadly enough, I haven't seen enough of them. Mostly all I see is the horror I've pointlessly ranted on about. Perhaps I wouldn't have even written about it had a particular incident precisely 36 hours back not triggered it.

So that brings me back to the same question (I've honestly forgotten, but I'll ask one anyway),

what the hell is going on with such people, boss? And is all what I wrote about really a part of a normal relationship or are we talking about wannabe ships which never really set sail and imagine themselves to be the on-shore Titanic? (#RealityCheck) Most importantly, WHERE is the love? :O

And I have no idea just why would I even bother with typing so much on something so pointless at this point of time. (I'm obviously highly jobless)  Blame it on the Boards. :/

Bleh. I'm going to go get ice cream.
Dear world, go fight/make love/kill each other/win the Nobel prize.

I'm going to go get ice cream ^_^

-Random,much (you know you luuurrvve meh.)

Nil. =)